The Way Things Work

So I'm in the middle of reading "Timbaland: The Emperor of Sound" and he starts by talking about his childhood. He wasn't doing well in school and his father is telling him that music is just a hobby and that he needs to focus more on his studies. I could write a whole other blog on that, but some other time perhaps. 

Timbaland goes on to start talking about Thomas Edison & Benjamin Franklin as they were both recognized as doing poorly in school despite their life's great achievements. Thomas Edison, a notorious daydreamer, went on to invent the lightbulb, the motion picture camera, and the phonograph, which led me to another thought. I have two Masters degrees and couldn't tell you anything about how any of those things work. We get into cars everyday, with no real understanding of how any of those mechanics work (unless, of course, you're a mechanic) and drive without the slightest notion of how we're accelerating, braking, and so on. 

We have grown so technologically dependant (phones, GPS, etc.) and yet, I bet most of us couldn't tell you how any of the things in our lives actually work. We just use them without question, which I'm sure is hurting us more than helping us. 

We don't question any of it; we simply consume without informing ourselves. Now, I know what you might say, "How do I have time to inform myself how all this stuff works? I have to work, go to school, etc." And that's true, yes. But think about ALL of the things we simply accept in our lives, without question.

I say all that to say this. Maybe if we took more time to understand how things work, we would also be more mindful to understand how people work. In a time when people seem more hateful and judgmental than ever, perhaps a lesson in how and why things work would lead us to question the same about people. And perhaps, just maybe, if we took some time to get a better understanding of people, we would practice a deeper level of compassion and understanding. 

Perhaps the reason people are so divided lately is because most people are simply blindly accepting what is instead of questioning why it is what it is or what made it that way. Maybe we're getting closer to a time that in order to keep going, we have to start understanding the way things work. 

Living, loving, & leaving legacies

Image via Wikipedia

Legacies. It's a topic of conversation that I find myself having more frequently these days. I've always found the importance of others' legacies, but never truly considered the impact on my own. I've been stuck in Rhode Island for a few extra days waiting for a replacement light for my truck. I guess we'll start with how that happened since I've got some time to write...for the first time in a long time.

A couple weeks ago, I was parking my car and backed into a tree, which broke the entire light off my truck.  My depth perception's been way off lately due to pure exhaustion. Living in a neighborhood where I came home to gun shots ringing through the air on a regular basis led me to putting all of my belongings in a storage unit lent to me by a friend from church. I've been crashing on friends' couches and trying to figure out my next step for a couple weeks. Having just taken a new job, I'm not in a financial position to move anywhere and the man who rented me the room will not give me my deposit back. This trip to Rhode Island couldn't have come at a better time. I was at my breaking point and I needed to get some perspective...and rest.

This trip was pre-destined as I had a family reunion to attend here. I had pushed really hard for us to re-unite this year. My Aunt Peggy used to do a lot of the organization for it, but since she and my uncle passed, we hadn't been as organized at putting it together. This past Easter, I talked to one of my cousins about planning our reunion and offered whatever help I could in getting it back as an annual event. I got a text from her shortly after and I guess my response, as brief as it was, was enough to inspire an email and getting the wheels in motion to reserve a spot at Goddard Park, where we always had them in the past. I followed her lead and created a Facebook invitation to reach out to other members of the family that may not have received the email. We were on our way to continue the legacy, which began with her mother.

Just as I felt like I might go insane from worrying about where I was going to sleep and how  I was going to make my life work in New York, it was time to come home to my family reunion...which I was late for. My cousin and I joked when I arrived about me being late since I was the one who had pushed so hard for it to happen. Man, it felt good to laugh. It also felt amazing to be surrounded by my family, who have been watching my journey on Facebook and I realized how tremendously supportive they are and how much they believe in me. I couldn't bare to tell them the truth about what was going on back with my living situation.

I told one of my cousins, the one whom I've confided in before. And the only reason I really told her was so that I could ask for her to pray for me. I'm not holding my hand out to anyone to beg for help or look for an easy way out. Nothing worth having or doing is ever easy. I accept that truth and I embrace the challenges I have faced and continue to face. They have built me to be the strong young woman I am proud to be today. It's part of my legacy.

While I was home, I stayed with my brother (though not a brother by blood, he's as much my family as any one of my blood relatives). My first night there, I played music with him in his jam room. It felt good to get on the drums and bang out some of my confusion, frustration, and exhaustion....so good that I passed out in his jam room. I woke up at 6 a.m. alone in the jam room and walked to my car so I could get a decent kind of rest in a bed at his house. As I walked out, I realized my car had been hit. I was too tired to really react to it. Reacting to it changed nothing anyway.

I went to his house and got some rest. When I woke up, I told him what happened. Without a second thought, he responded with, "Oh, that was me." I had to laugh. I was so grateful that he was the one who had done it because I wouldn't be mad at him and at least I had someone to blame if I really wanted to. he offered to put it through his insurance, but I shrugged it off and told him I had more important things to deal with than my bumper. If nothing else, my life's trials and tribulations have taught me perspective...something I'm grateful to add to my legacy.

I went to my parents' house and showed my father my light. Upon inspection, it was decided I needed to replace the entire light encasement. I had been pulled over 2 days in a row prior to arriving in RI and I couldn't return with the light the way it was. I had already gotten a ticket for the tint on my front windows the first time I was pulled over. My father and I peeled the tint off my window and he ordered me a new light through a local salvage yard. And he told me he would pay for the light. If you know anything about my father, he's not one to volunteer to pay for anything. One of his most common sayings growing up was, "If you girls didn't have your mother, you'd get NOTHING from me." Sounds harsh, but if you knew my dad, you'd just laugh when you heard him say it.

My dad's a good man with a heart of gold, a cancer survivor, who gave most of his life to the telephone company. He worked tirelessly as we were growing up, taking any overtime he could. Having three daughters wasn't cheap and my mother's mental illness took a toll on family's finances for the better part of my life. He was always trying to catch up and/ or stay afloat. That is part of his legacy.

My mother got involved with ordering the light, too. She made sure I wrote down my VIN number and all the info about my truck so they'd have it ready when they ordered it. My mother is a remarkable woman, so quiet now and slow with her motions. She's endured more than most 10 people off the street. She's suffered from manic-depression my entire life, in and out of mental hospitals for most of my childhood. She's survived breast cancer after a misdiagnosis and been diagnosed with diverticulitis and colitis. Last year she had a hip replacement, whose surgery spiraled a manic episode  and then got re-admitted after finally making her way to rehab because her wound opened. My mother seems to be a walking study of Murphy's Law....but she has survived it all. She may not be the loud and boisterous woman she was once known for, but I thank God she's alive.

This morning I went to visit my Gram, my grandmother on my father's side and my only living grandparent.  I do my best to pay her a visit every time I'm home. At 90 years old, she looks and sounds amazing. I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to play her my music. She may never see the day (if) I walk down an aisle or have any children, but I'm so grateful to God that she's alive to hear the music I've given birth to and to watch my boldly follow my dreams. We sat and talked about my grandfather, an amazing artist, my  great uncle, whom I've never had the pleasure of meeting, and the Hoxie's, my uncle's family, in California. My Pa, as I affectionately called my grandfather, was left an orphan, but spent much of his life tracing his lineage despite being abandoned by his father. My grandfather understood the importance of legacy and certainly left an impressionable one as a loving husband, a caring grandfather, a cheerful neighbor, a talented artist, and so much more.

I left the nursing home once I walked my grandmother down to lunch. She's always so proud to introduce her granddaughter from NEW YORK! I love the pride she has as she introduces me to her friends and I'm glad I didn't mention not having a place to live during our visit. Before I left, I told her I'd have a music video to show her the next time I came to visit, kissed her goodbye, and choked back tears until I reached the front door.

From there, I drove to the memorial plot of my friend, Tim Lyons. If you're not familiar with who Tim is, you can read more about his life and legacy in one of my past blogs (Forever Young). Tim's life was tragically cut short by a drunk driver when were in 8th grade. During this trip home, I also visited our junior high to talk to the principal about replacing the tree that had been planted in his memory the year it happened. The junior high went under major renovations last year and Tim's tree was ripped up as a result. I'm working hard to ensure that Tim's legacy lives on and I have a few friends working to ensure this happens.

Just as I got in my car from visiting Tim's memorial, I got on my Blackberry and posted a picture of the plaque that still stands in the place where he was struck. As I scrolled down my news feed, I saw a post from my college roommate, one of my very best friends. Her grandmother had just passed away, only 1 year from when her father, a firefighter and first responder for 9/11 had passed away(See Sun Showers, another past blog, to learn more about her father's legacy). Tears streamed down my face as I realized the year she had faced. I was glad that her grandmother was alive to see her get engaged, but saddened at the notion that both her father and grandmother would be absent from the wedding. And again, I was reminded to put my life into perspective.

As the clock ticks, I'm trying to patiently wait for the phone call saying that my light is ready to pick up so that I can get on the road and back to New York. I have to get back to make it to band rehearsal and face my reality...a reality that is so daunting sometimes that I barely know where to begin. But I'm strong and I will persevere through all of it. I can't wait to overcome all of these challenges and continue to pursue my dream. I will keep on keepin' on. And I will write to tell you of my triumph over all of this. And that is my legacy.

If You Never Ask, the Answer's Always No

Image by Moisturizing Tranquilizers via Flickr

5:41 a.m. That's what time my phone rang yesterday. But I was already up. Excitement wouldn't let me sleep the night before. I guess Brey, my producer, must've felt the same...since he was the one on the other end of the phone yelling. "You up, HoxieCotton?!" "We're not going to Cali...leaving Kennedy onto LAX....but I'm up." That was the beginning of my very busy, very AMAZING day yesterday.

Just checking in with everyone to say hello and share some of the excitement that's been going on lately. I barely know where to begin. I guess the best way to explain why things have been so busy lately is to SHOW you. Head over to kickstarter.com/projects/kfhox to get all the latest updates from my very first EP!

My first order of business yesterday started in the studio with Brey King (Sound Check Live) and T-ron Lewis (Invaderz). We're finishing up the vocals and final revisions on the first track of my first EP, "Back with You." It has been an absolute labor of love and I'm so excited to be able to share it very, very soon! Track 2 has already started and is almost completely written. Looking forward to sharing what I've been working on!

Once we finished up in the city, Brey and I headed into the city for a meeting with an amazing producer. Since the details are still being worked out, I'll save that story for the future. Just be ready for greatness! I am so incredibly overwhelmed and humbled by all of the people that have opened up their hearts to me!

Our meeting ran late and I had to be in New Rochelle by 5 p.m....with cheesecake...that I was supposed to have made! Yikes! After an hour in rush hour traffic, I was already 45 minutes late for a musical/ spiritual dinner and discussion with Vlada (vladamusic.com). So a stop to Mobil-on-the-Run would have to suffice...Entemann's anyone? Although my visit was brief, it was just what I needed to rejuvenate and refresh before heading off to the next part of my night. I hadn't even eaten yet so this was my reminder to slow down! The ever amazing, talented, blessed, and highly favored Vlada gathered everyone to pray for me before I got back on the road. The power of prayer has been something that has nourished and sustained me through this busy and tumultuous journey!

The final part of my night was spent with some of the most talented and amazing people I've had the privilege of meeting at Hip Hop Saves Lives 1 Year Anniversary (hiphopsaveslives.org), run by CEO Chad Harper and co-hosted by Brey King. The night showcased great musicians, singers, and poets. It was a beautiful night with great people for a great cause!

I was excited to discuss my project with the other artists, promoters, and others that were in attendance. It's so incredible to be a part of everything that's going on! This has been such a beautiful journey and I'm so glad that I finally took the time to ask for help to make this dream a reality! I am living proof that if you want help, all you need to do is ASK for it! If you never ask, the answer's always no. What will you ask of others today? Challenge yourself and others to do something you didn't think was possible...you'll be pleasantly surprised at the responses you get...and you just might realize that the impossible is possible!

The Grass is Always Greener...

Cover of ?uestlove

Well, hello there! I know, I know...it's been a while...too long. I've had a lot going on since the new year and I simply haven't had the time to dedicate to writing as much as I used to. Busy is good though, right?

I just got back from a short trip to FL...my first time back since I got relocated for work back in January 2009 and boy, was it needed. Winter in NY seems to have no end this year. It's been brutal...borderline depressing! A little dose of the sunshine state was definitely just what the doctor ordered. I never would've scheduled the trip, but my old boss (and someone who I consider to be one of my many mothers) was getting married and I simply couldn't miss the occasion!

I booked the flight and tried not to think too much about it until it got closer to the time to go. I've been so wrapped up in my NY life that I didn't have time to really think about what this trip to Florida would mean. But the day finally came and I was never so happy to get on a plane out of New York! I got off the plane and had a chance encounter with ?uestlove (pronounced Questlove) of The Roots while picking up my checked baggage. To this day, I have no idea how to properly pack so I brought way too much stuff for my little 5-day vacation. But the worrier in me would never allow me to pack lightly. As usual, I digress.....

I got off the place and was greeted by one of my very favorite people in FL...the world is actually a more accurate description! Already off to a good start, we decided it would be a good idea to squeeze in a little time in downtown Orlando. But since all the bars close at 2 and I came in late, it didn't offer much time. I found myself wishing we were in NY just so we could stay out a little longer. We made the best of it and had a lot of fun in a short time.

I woke up in the morning feeling like my sinuses had exploded. Though I've never suffered from allergies, Florida seemed to have fooled my sinuses into thinking that I do. I could barely breathe through my nose. I realized I never really felt like that in NY...perhaps because that would require the season of spring to actually arrive!

I won't get into too much of what I did while I was in Florida...I'll just say that I did my best to eat all the food I can only get in FL and see all the people that time would allow while I was there. By the end of my trip, there was a lot of food that I hadn't gotten to eat (probably for the best) and a lot of people that I didn't have the privilege of seeing. Overall, it just made me wanting more...more palm trees, more days on the beach, more time with people I consider true friends, and so on. It made me miss living in Florida.

Though on any given day in the 5 1/2 years I lived in FL, you could hear me babbling on and on about how much I wanted to move back to NY. I wasted a lot of time in FL wishing I was in NY. In the last 2 years that I've been back in NY, you wouldn't have caught me saying the same thing about FL. Perhaps it was an out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing, but I bet you'll hear me wishing FL back into my life now...especially if it snows even ONE MORE TIME! But alas, the moral of the story is that the grass...errr....the sand?....is always greener. Make the best of what you have, where you have it....everything else will work itself out.

I Need a Hero

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So here we are in the final days of 2010. I hope this year has brought about something good in your life, perhaps something even great! I'm experiencing a bit of writer's block with my music right now so I figured I'd keep the writing juices flowing, but take a step of way from lyrics for a bit to hopefully find some new inspiration. 

As I reflect on this year, it's hard to believe how much has happened...for the good and the bad. The best part of my year by far has been setting the wheels in motion to pursue my acting and singing career...with some writing and modeling in between. It's amazing what you're capable of doing if you stop thinking about what to do....and just do it. I guess Nike was onto something there. 

As for the bad part of my year...is it better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all? Well, I think so...for the most part. After writing so much about love this year, I feel like it's only appropriate that I should close out the year with some kind of reflection on it. You've heard about me falling in love, falling out of love, and my version of going green...a recycling of exes. It's dawned on me that in 2011, I want to meet Captain Planet...not that Captain Planet.

If I look at each one of my exes, I realize that each of them offers something great and unique about themselves. However, each one of them offers at least one or more characteristic which will simply not allow things to work out in the long term. Accordingly, if I could take the good characteristics from each of them to form a totally, perfect, compatible person for me, I could have the best of everything. Individually, they're not going to work out, but if I combined their forces, I just might find happiness in a relationship, ya know...like Captain Planet. And if not, there's always He-Man...I mean, how can you go wrong with the most powerful man of the universe? 

Spring Cleaning

Image by merfam via Flickr

I just got back from an extra long weekend up north for Thanksgiving. It seemed to be just in time to get out of New York for a little while. I always reach a point when I need to have some kind of catharsis from NYC. Don't get me wrong, there's nowhere else quite like New York. But I have to admit, sometimes I crave little old Rhode Island and the simpler things in life.

Speaking of simpler things in life, here I go again with the luh-luh-luhhhh uh forget it, you know what I'm talking about. If you've been reading my blog for any period of time, you've been with me for some of the ups and definitely the downs on the topic of l-o-v-e. If I spell it out, it's not as hard to say.

It's pretty miserable out today weather-wise...rainy, windy, and just downright scary to be outside. Accordingly, I took the day to clean my poor, neglected apartment. With all the work I've been getting and then traveling, my apartment was starting to resemble a storage unit instead of a residence. I even took some extra time to put out my Christmas decorations so I'm feeling pretty accomplished.

As I threw out a ton of unnecessary paperwork, old magazines, and newspapers, it got me thinking. It doesn't take much to get my brain whirling, but the act of cleaning my apartment made me think of cleaning out other aspects of my life. Lately, I've found certain people and things to be particularly heavy and adding to the collection of clutter that only weighs me down. I simply can't be everything to everyone...despite my best efforts. Accordingly, I'm doing a little extra "spring" cleaning to free my mind and my spirit of all the things that are keeping me from being the best version of me that I can be. I'm not directing this blog at anyone or anything in particular (at least no one that I know that reads this blog)...just airing my brain out a bit as I air out my throw rugs.

You might wonder how any of this refers back to what I started saying about love. Well, if you've read my blog about recycling (aka going green), you'll understand the importance of throwing things away once and for all. And while I'm not quite at that point yet, I feel like I'm at my breaking point one way or another. Will I take the final step in my spring cleaning? I'll keep you posted.

Just Add Water!

Image via Wikipedia

So I guess I'm back to talking about love...or lack there of. Working as much I have been has led to a pretty much non-existent love life. I'm certainly not complaining about the amount of work I have lately, but it's definitely highlighted some other aspects of my life that are not quite as bountiful.

Because of the nature of my work, I meet new people almost daily. I'm a huge advocate of the benefits of networking and I'm generally a people-person anyway so I love this aspect of what I do. Amongst the people that I work with, every once in a while I meet a guy that show some level of interest.

I recently was on a set and was giving my number to a friend of mine. The guy who was walking with us made this his opportunity to also take my number...despite the fact it was not intended for him. I couldn't take my number back from him once he got it so I hoped he would just forgot he had gotten it.

I got home from the set that day and got a text. It was him. His first text was harmless so I responded. I try not to be rude...a trait of mine, which usually backfires more than not. Me trying not to be rude led to several more texts. At one point, he started sending me inappropriate and unwarranted texts ranging from wanting to be in a relationship with me to...well. I'll let you use your imagination. I finally wrote back to him and told him to give it a rest.

Despite the fact that I have so little time to meet, date, and start a relationship, I'd never rush into something just to have a boyfriend...especially a creepy one. My past experiences and level of standards make finding someone that much harder, but I know it'll happen when and if it's meant to happen. Until then, I'll try my best to avoid guys eavesdropping conversations to get my number. And just a note to people who think that having someone's phone number is an invitation to prompt a conversation about being in a relationship with them...it's not. There's no such thing as an instant girlfriend...I'm not mashed potatoes.

We Are Family

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Many people think that family is defined by a mother, father, siblings, etc...but I'm a firm believer that family is just not that black and white...family is not built on blood alone. I, myself, am the product of a family with many shades of grey. Growing up with a mother who suffered from manic depression and a father struggling with alcoholism, my house was not always the safest place for me to be. Luckily, my life was blessed with  guardian angels here on earth who saved my life on more than one occassion and in many different ways.

I don't want to give you the impression that I grew up without my family...that would be inaccurate. My parents did the very best they could under the circumstances...and though it took me the better part of my life to realize it, they're humans...not the superheroes I once expected them to be. I just want to convey the message that I love my parents and I'm grateful for the role they played in my life...but my life would not be what it is today without the help of the rest of my family...the family that I was not born into, but who undeniably loved me and and took me in as their own.

My father worked for the phone company and used to go to get-togethers and other parties held by his co-workers. At one of these such events, my parents became friendly with another couple. This couple had 3 sons and the wife had told my mother she would be happy to babysit me and my sisters any time...she had always wanted a little girl...and though I'm sure she didn't realize it at the time...that's just what she would get.

Sometime not too shortly after that, my mother ended up taking her up on her offer to babysit. My mother was in and out of mental hospitals for the better part of my childhood. And while my mother was getting treated for her mental illness, my father was self-medicating and in and out of rehab and AA. The breaking point was when I was a little over a year old. I was running a fever and silent. My mother was having a manic episode, but managed to call this woman to get her opinion. She came over to the house immediately and convinced my mother to call my doctor. The doctor told her to bring me to the hospital and he'd meet her there. They took me to the hospital where they proceeded to give me a spinal tap. I didn't cry...I did nothing. The doctors told my family it would be a mircale if I made it through the night. I was diagnosed with spinal meningitis. Well, congratulations, you officially know a miracle...little old me.

Surviving spinal meningitis was only the beginning...the next 12 years would prove to be some of the hardest years. Despite the trying times, this family...who I was not related to...would step up to the plate time and time again defying the concept that family is defined by blood. In that time, I gained two extra parents and three brothers...a support system that I would have been lost without.

I am grateful everyday for my family...my whole family. They have all helped to shape me to be the person that I am today. They have helped me understand the true meaning of family...unconditional love and going above and beyond...even when you don't have to...when you're family, you don't question if you have to...you just do it.

Eat Pray Love

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I haven't seen the movie...or even read the book...but I get the idea. And I'm not sure if seeing the previews a million times or going through some heartbreak on a few different levels lately inspired it, but something's recently clicked and I feel the need to do just that...eat, pray, and love. I don't have the kind of funds that would allow me to travel overseas to do it, but I don't need to go so far away to take some time to myself.

I'm heading up north for a while in hopes of getting some new inspiration. I'm hoping that putting a little distance between myself and my current reality will help to open my eyes and give me some perspective. I'm going armed with some good books, a notebook, and my iPod. Sometimes the monotony of day to day life can leave you feeling a little less than inspired. It can have you feeling like Paul McCartney in "Band on the Run"..."stuck inside these four walls/ sentenced at forever." I'm breaking out of my four walls and trying a different angle at life. Pressing reset has left me needing a new approach...an approach that includes eating fresh Maine lobstah, praying and meditating on positive thoughts, and loving myself. I already feel better...and I'm just packing.

Pressing Reset

Image by yum9me via Flickr

Well, it's over.For anyone who has been keeping up with the blog, you've heard about the guy I've been dating for the last couple months...it's safe to say you'll never hear about him again. And if you've been reading my blog, you're also familar with something I call the ice cube theory...the ice cube is melted, shattered, and all over the floor...but I can proudly say the ice cube's state is solely due to him...I tried. I tried and tried...and refrained from name calling or hurtful actions...which is more than I can say for him. I guess I can come clean about the the fact that most of the reason I've been so down lately has stemmed from him. I'm not one of those girls who lets my whole world  be affected by a guy, but this time I gave too much too soon...and paid the consequences.

Lesson learned...moving right along. It seems appropriate that things should come to an end with him just as I am spreading my wings in other areas of my life..a new beginning. I've been diligently submitting to casting agencies and feeling the winds of change in the air. It's time to get back to me and the goals in my life. At times, we get so preoccupied with trying to make things in a relationship work that we neglect to make our own lives work. When you realize you're giving more of yourself to someone else than you are to you, it's time to press reset.

The Dreaded "L" Word

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I'm not talking about lesbian...the other L word. Ya know, the one that seems to be a point of contention with so many people. I luh, luh, luhhhhh...why is it so hard to let that word roll off your tongue to certain people? I mean we tell our family and friends that we love each other without a second thought. So why is that so many of us have SUCH a hard time saying the L word? I mean, it's just a word, right?

There may be an argument that says that men have a harder time saying than women. But for me, I feel like I have just as hard of a time as any man allowing myself to say the word. Wait, let me clarify. It's not so much that I have a hard time saying the word as it is that I have a difficult time allowing someone to know that my feelings are that strong...which equates to me being vulnerable. That's really the bottom line. It's not that I don't want them to know that I love them, it's that I don't want them to hurt me. So if I don't say it, maybe it won't hurt as much...especially if they don't love me back. Sounds good in theory, but even as I type it, I know it will hurt just as much whether they know I love them or not.

I guess it's obvious from some of my past blogs (and conversations if you speak to me in person) that love is not something that I take for granted. I LOVE the IDEA of love. And I certainly have so many people that I feel blessed to love and be loved by. I am gushing with love and I am a firm believer in telling people that I love them because I never know if it might be the last opportunity that I have to tell them. I don't mean to be morbid, but it's a simple fact that we sometimes take for granted. I've lost enough people in my life to realize the importance of letting people know how I feel when I'm feeling it. So why then, is a girl who is bursting at the seams with love, having such a hard time telling the one person that she loves in "that special way" (for lack of a better term) that I love him. Well, to be honest...I'm not having a hard time at all.

In the past, the L word was played like a game of chicken in previous relationships. It was ok to say I like you or I care about you or maybe I miss you. But there was something so daunting about saying luh, luh, luuuhhhh. Why? Well, aside from the previously mentioned reason of being afraid of becoming vulnerable or getting hurt...it was also because there's something scary about being the first one to say it. What if they don't say it back? What if they really don't love you back? The what if's go on and on. But if you really love someone, the L word is inevitable...and all those what if's go out the window.

Love has definitely been on my mind more than usual as of late...and maybe even more than EVER since I met the person I'm currently dating. Within the first days of us talking and getting to know one another, he uttered those three words. I. Love. You. He said it without hesitation and unapologetically. When he first said it, I laughed it off. He said it again a few more times and I told him to stop. Who could love someone so soon after getting to know them? Not me...and I let him know that.

But why? Is it because it's against some set of unspoken rules or because love couldn't possibly be real in that amount of time? Was it really fair of me to respond the way I did when I, of all people, know how hard it is to tell someone you love them? I don't know. What I do know is that shortly after laughing it off and telling him to stop...I said it back. It wasn't because I felt obligated to say it. It was because it's how I felt (feel). In getting to know him more and more, I fell in love with the person he is and everything he stands for. And if he was just a friend, I would've said it a million times before I actually ended up saying it. And now that I've said it back, it flows from my lips (and through my texts) with the same confidence and unapologetic nature as when he first said it. And I mean it...with all of my heart and with everything I know to be true. I realize now that even if things don't ultimately work out with him, it doesn't change how I feel right now.

And since my latest surge of moving forward and letting go of fears has overtaken me, I feel a certain obligation to share this sense of urgency with others. If you love someone, regardless of your relationship...friend, family, girl/ boyfriend, husband, or wife...whether you've known them for 50 years or 5 days...don't forget to tell them you love them. Even though I know I said it's just a word, it's one of the most important words you'll ever say.

What's Your Favorite Song?

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One of my favorite songs, both to listen to and sing, is "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys. I guess it's only appropriate being that the majority of my relationships have demonstrated the kind of tumultuous ups and downs that the song represents. Another related song that I love by Raphael Saadiq so aptly states, "Falling in love can be easy...staying in love is too tricky." Take 'em to church, Ray Ray!

The beginning of a relationship is all hearts and rainbows and butterflies. There are a million songs out there that sing of all the wonders that new love brings and the feelings it evokes. Case in point, "newness" by Musiq Soulchild, talks about the ease that we all experience when we're at love's edge, just about to fall. "Everything is cool when love is all brand new Cause you're learning me and I'm learning you." Yeah, Musiq, everything IS cool then, but what happens after we learn each other? Well, there's a catalogue of songs for that part, too.

Whatever your mood, feeling, or personal situationm there is at least a handful of songs that can speak your heart or mind. Music is beautiful that way. It allows us to never really feel alone. It lets us know that there is at least one other person in the world who has gone through the exact same situation. Music serves as a friend, a psychiatrist, a motivator, an inspiration, or just a comrade in pain. No matter what the genre, there is a melody that can help lift you up or allow you to perpetuate and wallow in your sadness.

Music is my true love...my soulmate. Music has been the only successful long term relationship I have ever had...it has never left me and it has been exactly what I needed at the very moment that I needed it. It's also served as bookmarks for periods of my life. I can vividly remember certain events in my life solely based on a song that came out during the same time.

There is no better way to hear music than live in concert! I have been brought to tears at more concerts than I care to admit. But there's something just so moving about being with the person singing the words to one of your favorite songs and singing with them. I recently went to go see a Dave Matthews Band concert in Bethel, NY and found my eyes welling up with tears as they played "Ants Marching." Memories of high school flooded my brain and I before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.

I've seen Billy Joel twice in concert and I have to say they were 2 of the best shows I have ever been to. The first time I saw him was with my family. I was about 10 years old at the time and remember that feeling like it was yesterday. The next time I saw him was years later during high school. I went with my good friend, Jeff, who had recently had a diving accident and was adjusting to life as a quadrapalegic. We sat in the very top section of the convention center...it was the first time I had watched a show from that perspective. As I sat there with Jeff and listened to Billy Joel pour out the words to countless songs I sung word for word, I realized how beautiful the experience was. I was so honored that Jeff had invited me to go to that concert with him...for so many reasons. As Billy came out for his encore and performed "Piano Man," you could hear the voices of the thousands of people singing the lyrics. This was by far the most profound realization that I had at any concert. It was the first time that I realized the impact and the universal nature of music. For 4-5 minutes, we all stood and sang the words of that song...each with our own memories attached to the lyrics. But in that span of time, we focused on nothing...nothing but the music. It didn't matter if we were rich or poor, black, white, or purple with yellow polka dots...there we all stood side by side and were connected by that song. It was magical. I get goosebumps just thinking of that moment.

You could take pretty much everything I owned away from me...just don't take my music. I could exist on water and music alone. The music provides the kind of sustenance that feeds nutrition to my heart and soul. The music will always let me know, that no matter what...like Bob Marley's "3 Little Birds"...every little thing is gonna be all right.

Four Letter Word....

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Unlike my usual t.v. selections, I've been watching The Bachelorette for the last few weeks. I happened upon it by accident and have been watching it faithfully ever since...as much as I don't like to admit that. I guess it drew me in because I thought it was ludacris that some random girl could fall in love with one of these random guys and live happily ever after...especially in such a short amount of time. But because of this "reality" show... and recent events...I find myself currently blogging about such un-realities.

I never really believed in love at first sight...and to be honest, I still don't. I believe in lust at first sight. Afterall, what more do you have within a first glance besides physical attraction? With that being said, how long does it take to fall in love...the kind of love that can move mountains and last a lifetime? Is love that happens quickly sure to burn out just as fast? Is love that takes a long time to develop more likely to sustain the test of time? I have no answers to these questions...just more questions.

What does it take to fall in love? What is the connection that binds your heart and your mind and allows you to stop questioning yourself... and allow yourself to love freely? After 29 years of loving different people in different ways, I've grown to feel like love has been a four letter word...like so many curses. I also feel like there's no formula that can be used to solve this equation. There is no set of criteria that can be met that can push you over love's edge...or is there? After this week, I might have found my own personal formula...maybe.

After a crushing long-term relationship that sustained much more than is really humanly normal, I've spent 2 years rediscovering who I am, what I want and need, and dating enough to find out who I don't want to be with. And through a brief relationship that ended with me wondering what I was thinking, I'm skeptical of entering back into the land of love. But in the same breath, I feel my desire to become a wife and a mother fighting its way into my life even harder. It certainly would take someone of paramount impressiveness to boldly return to that path.

In part of my own self-realization of what it is that I'm looking for, I made a list of attributes that I'm looking for in my husband. It was a list I created after my last long-term relationship so as to not repeat the same mistakes I once had. I used it as a point of reference to remind myself to never settle again. The list has over 40 traits, which my future husband will have to have in order to make me fully happy. Sounds a little over-zealous... even to me... and I've never really believed that this list would truly be able to describe the characteristics of one person, but perhaps a few people...but I might've been wrong.

I never had the list in mind when I met him. I actually didn't have much in mind besides that initial lust at first sight...and even that wasn't instantaneous. In fact, my initial reaction was more comical than lustful. But as time progressed, so did my attraction. I've heard countless girls say how they didn't even like their boyfriends/ husbands when they first met them and I always had a hard time understanding how that could possibly lead to love...until now.

Like I said, I hadn't even thought of the list. But in the short amount of time we spent together, albeit entire days, the list came to mind because I realized he was everything I was looking for...everything on the list. And after such a short amount of time (I won't even admit how short because it's still unbelieveable to me)...I find myself thinking of him all throughout my day. I look at my phone to make sure I haven't missed a text or a call. I listen to his music to soak him in deeper.

I have to say it's the best and worst feeling...all at once. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way...he's been more than vocal about the connection we've had up to this point. And as good as it is to hear that someone feels the same way, it's equally terrifying. As a little girl, no one told me I would fear love more than the boogie monster when I grew up. But here I sit, thinking about him...writing about him...and thinking about the idea of loving him...and wondering if I'm just crazy...or if my biological clock is trying to convince me that this is right....or, dare I say...that it might just be the real thing.

All I can think of is the list. I knew when I wrote the list that I could probably love someone who could meet all this criteria...but I guess I wrote the list mainly expecting that no one would ever be able to live up to it anyway...so I was safe from ever having to deal with it...and then he came along. I know only time will tell if my hypothesis is true...that if I met a man who existed within the realm of the blueprint of my perception of perfection, that he would be the one. And since I don't plan on letting him know about this blog, I can say with an honest heart...that I hope he is...and I really feel like he really is. And someday, when the time is right, I want him to read it...and I want our kids to read it, too.

I'm scared to even post this...my usual fear and skepticism is trying to dissuade me. But I'm going to anyway...because if the stars don't align...and he's not the one...I can safely retreat back to the thought that love is not that simple. And if I'm wrong...and he really is the one, I can look back...and laugh. Here's to laughter.

Fear cannot be felt in the same breath as desire.

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It's a mantra I've picked up in the last few years and it rings true as ever these days. I am exactly one week away from my 29th birthday...the last birthday in my 20's and I'm feeling so many emotions that I don't know which one to feel first. I've made a lot of bets with myself...and with God...that I would do certain things by certain ages or in allotted periods of time. For instance, when I lived in FL, I promised myself that I would make a minimum of 3 demos to have ready when I moved back to NY. Here I am, a year back in NYC...and not a demo to speak of.

For those that know me, you know that singing is my passion...music is my life...and writing is my outlet...and my survival. So with all that being said, what's the hold up? FEAR. How can someone be afraid of something that they love so much? And what's the worst that could happen...certainly nothing worse than doing NOTHING. But here's where that mantra comes in...when an individual feels desire and fear at the same moment, that individual faces two very distinct paths...pushing past fear and going all in....or debilitating paralysis. One emotion will always outweigh the other.

In most things in my life, I have always overcome my fears. I keep my eye on the goal and just move forward. Tell me why, then, the single most important dream in my life goes unapproached...neglected...and indefinitely paused. FEAR.

I'm not afraid of many things. Sure, the dark creeps me out. Scary movies get to me if I'm all alone. But music is not scary...music is love. Perhaps the connection between music and love is more profound than I thought. Just as I wrote the words, I realized how petrified I am of love, as well. Afraid to let people get too close or see me down. I love the idea of love...but actually giving and receiving the kind of love that I want has elluded me for close to 29 years....and so has my dream of making music. Coincidence? Maybe. FEAR.

I guess all I'm trying to say is I'm really tired of fear winning all the time in this particular battle. So here's one more bet with myself...and you can hold me to it. My last year of my 20's will be spent pursuing the only thing I have ever seen in my future...or else....