Saturday, March 17, 2012

On My Own

17 years. It's hard to even wrap my brain around the amount of time that's passed since Tim died. It seems like only yesterday and a million years ago...all at once. One thing's for sure, the pain seems more substantial than ever before. Maybe each year that passes, I feel like this. But there's something almost tangible about the pain this year. Maybe it's because I'm getting closer and closer to the realization of my dream. Perhaps that realization makes me even more sad at the fact that Tim's not here to cheer me on...or maybe he would have been playing guitar with me.

Though I sit here today "on my own," a reference to the song I sang in Tim's memory back in 8th grade when he died, I know I'm never really alone. I carry Tim's spirit with me as I travel on this journey. My journey is filled with countless people, places, lots of music, and not much sleep. God's equipped me to deal with all the hardships that come along with this adventure, which can be so hard at times. But aside from the joy that music brings me and the satisfaction of seeing my hard work produce results, I have Tim's memory and legacy to keep me going.

I know that Tim is one of my angels, one of my guiding forces. For when it seems too hard to go on, I realize that I MUST continue...if for no other reason than I'm alive to do so. It's so much more than that now, but I know that I have this great responsibility to do what God has built me to do with my time here. I'm taking time today to sit and meditate on the life and gifts I have been blessed with, to celebrate Tim's life and legacy, and to thank God for blessing me with a clear path in life, a path which I know I will never be "on my own" for as long as I have my ears, eyes, and heart open to all the angels God has surrounded me with. I miss you, Tim, but you will never be forgotten. I carry you with me always just as you carry my spirit when it's hanging in the balance. You are a true friend and a very real angel. You are missed, but never forgotten.