Monday, June 28, 2010

Four Letter Word....

$*!?!Image by delphwynd via Flickr

Unlike my usual t.v. selections, I've been watching The Bachelorette for the last few weeks. I happened upon it by accident and have been watching it faithfully ever much as I don't like to admit that. I guess it drew me in because I thought it was ludacris that some random girl could fall in love with one of these random guys and live happily ever after...especially in such a short amount of time. But because of this "reality" show... and recent events...I find myself currently blogging about such un-realities.

I never really believed in love at first sight...and to be honest, I still don't. I believe in lust at first sight. Afterall, what more do you have within a first glance besides physical attraction? With that being said, how long does it take to fall in love...the kind of love that can move mountains and last a lifetime? Is love that happens quickly sure to burn out just as fast? Is love that takes a long time to develop more likely to sustain the test of time? I have no answers to these questions...just more questions.

What does it take to fall in love? What is the connection that binds your heart and your mind and allows you to stop questioning yourself... and allow yourself to love freely? After 29 years of loving different people in different ways, I've grown to feel like love has been a four letter so many curses. I also feel like there's no formula that can be used to solve this equation. There is no set of criteria that can be met that can push you over love's edge...or is there? After this week, I might have found my own personal formula...maybe.

After a crushing long-term relationship that sustained much more than is really humanly normal, I've spent 2 years rediscovering who I am, what I want and need, and dating enough to find out who I don't want to be with. And through a brief relationship that ended with me wondering what I was thinking, I'm skeptical of entering back into the land of love. But in the same breath, I feel my desire to become a wife and a mother fighting its way into my life even harder. It certainly would take someone of paramount impressiveness to boldly return to that path.

In part of my own self-realization of what it is that I'm looking for, I made a list of attributes that I'm looking for in my husband. It was a list I created after my last long-term relationship so as to not repeat the same mistakes I once had. I used it as a point of reference to remind myself to never settle again. The list has over 40 traits, which my future husband will have to have in order to make me fully happy. Sounds a little over-zealous... even to me... and I've never really believed that this list would truly be able to describe the characteristics of one person, but perhaps a few people...but I might've been wrong.

I never had the list in mind when I met him. I actually didn't have much in mind besides that initial lust at first sight...and even that wasn't instantaneous. In fact, my initial reaction was more comical than lustful. But as time progressed, so did my attraction. I've heard countless girls say how they didn't even like their boyfriends/ husbands when they first met them and I always had a hard time understanding how that could possibly lead to love...until now.

Like I said, I hadn't even thought of the list. But in the short amount of time we spent together, albeit entire days, the list came to mind because I realized he was everything I was looking for...everything on the list. And after such a short amount of time (I won't even admit how short because it's still unbelieveable to me)...I find myself thinking of him all throughout my day. I look at my phone to make sure I haven't missed a text or a call. I listen to his music to soak him in deeper.

I have to say it's the best and worst feeling...all at once. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way...he's been more than vocal about the connection we've had up to this point. And as good as it is to hear that someone feels the same way, it's equally terrifying. As a little girl, no one told me I would fear love more than the boogie monster when I grew up. But here I sit, thinking about him...writing about him...and thinking about the idea of loving him...and wondering if I'm just crazy...or if my biological clock is trying to convince me that this is right....or, dare I say...that it might just be the real thing.

All I can think of is the list. I knew when I wrote the list that I could probably love someone who could meet all this criteria...but I guess I wrote the list mainly expecting that no one would ever be able to live up to it I was safe from ever having to deal with it...and then he came along. I know only time will tell if my hypothesis is true...that if I met a man who existed within the realm of the blueprint of my perception of perfection, that he would be the one. And since I don't plan on letting him know about this blog, I can say with an honest heart...that I hope he is...and I really feel like he really is. And someday, when the time is right, I want him to read it...and I want our kids to read it, too.

I'm scared to even post usual fear and skepticism is trying to dissuade me. But I'm going to anyway...because if the stars don't align...and he's not the one...I can safely retreat back to the thought that love is not that simple. And if I'm wrong...and he really is the one, I can look back...and laugh. Here's to laughter.
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