Sunday, May 23, 2010

Fear cannot be felt in the same breath as desire.

Carnival of SoulsImage via Wikipedia

It's a mantra I've picked up in the last few years and it rings true as ever these days. I am exactly one week away from my 29th birthday...the last birthday in my 20's and I'm feeling so many emotions that I don't know which one to feel first. I've made a lot of bets with myself...and with God...that I would do certain things by certain ages or in allotted periods of time. For instance, when I lived in FL, I promised myself that I would make a minimum of 3 demos to have ready when I moved back to NY. Here I am, a year back in NYC...and not a demo to speak of.

For those that know me, you know that singing is my is my life...and writing is my outlet...and my survival. So with all that being said, what's the hold up? FEAR. How can someone be afraid of something that they love so much? And what's the worst that could happen...certainly nothing worse than doing NOTHING. But here's where that mantra comes in...when an individual feels desire and fear at the same moment, that individual faces two very distinct paths...pushing past fear and going all in....or debilitating paralysis. One emotion will always outweigh the other.

In most things in my life, I have always overcome my fears. I keep my eye on the goal and just move forward. Tell me why, then, the single most important dream in my life goes unapproached...neglected...and indefinitely paused. FEAR.

I'm not afraid of many things. Sure, the dark creeps me out. Scary movies get to me if I'm all alone. But music is not is love. Perhaps the connection between music and love is more profound than I thought. Just as I wrote the words, I realized how petrified I am of love, as well. Afraid to let people get too close or see me down. I love the idea of love...but actually giving and receiving the kind of love that I want has elluded me for close to 29 years....and so has my dream of making music. Coincidence? Maybe. FEAR.

I guess all I'm trying to say is I'm really tired of fear winning all the time in this particular battle. So here's one more bet with myself...and you can hold me to it. My last year of my 20's will be spent pursuing the only thing I have ever seen in my future...or else....
Enhanced by Zemanta

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Facing fears....

BEIJING - AUGUST 20:  Caitlin Lowe #26 (R) of ...Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Today is the alumni game of the softball league I used to play for...Apponaug Girls Softball. It's been over 10 long years since I've played...and for a reason. Though I love softball and it was a major part of my childhood, I was injured during one of the last years I played and it changed me indefinitely and irreparably. One of the last times I told the story of how this happened, I burst into tears. Today is a scary day.

So what happened to change the love of my life into the fear of a lifetime? I was playing shortstop and my friend, Jen, was playing third base. Like so many times before, a fly ball comes our way. I call her off...she calls me off...I call her off again...and she again....we both back off thinking the other one's catching it. Before I knew what happened, the ball had landed directly on my nose more precisely. My nose bled...and bled...bled some just wouldn't stop bleeding. An ambulance was called and I was carried out on a stretcher. On that stretcher also lied all the confidence I had in the sport I once loved.

I tried to return to the field for a year or two after the injury. I had been playing for school for 2 years and was about to head into high school and try out for the fast pitch team. I had played softball for almost as long as I could walk, but never fast pitch. Now I entered this smei-foreign sport with a fear in my heart I could barely contain....and it showed. The cling of a bat, a ball in my peripheral vision, among many other sights and sounds, would have my flinching and wincing. The strong, young woman who used to throw herself at any ball that came in her direction had been replaced by a weak, cowardly girl who might not throw like a girl...but sure did catch a ball like one. My fear had completely overtaken any confidence I had. I ended up making the team my freshman year of high school...and riding the pine. Even as I sat on the bench, I would wince at those aforementioned triggers. It was unbareable...I quit.

Flash forward over ten years later and I am an hour away from the alumni game...trying to talk myself down. I've dragged my softball bag out of my parents' basement. The bag, ironically, is from the high school softball team...the last team I made an attempt to play for. The experience of pulling out my dirty, dusty gloves and the most impressively dinged bats was bittersweet to say the least. All at once, I thought of my childhood, which was made that much better by summers spent at tournaments and learning new cheers in the that one day that changed it all. I sit here wearing one of my old allstar t-shirts and dingy sneakers and sweatpants contemplating whether or not Katie (not Casey) will step back up to the plate. Though it's only an hour away, I'm still on the fence about walking onto that field. Up until the minute I drive into that softball complex, I think my mind will be playing the ultimate ping pong match between gracefully bowing out...or facing my fears.
Enhanced by Zemanta