Fear cannot be felt in the same breath as desire.

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It's a mantra I've picked up in the last few years and it rings true as ever these days. I am exactly one week away from my 29th birthday...the last birthday in my 20's and I'm feeling so many emotions that I don't know which one to feel first. I've made a lot of bets with myself...and with God...that I would do certain things by certain ages or in allotted periods of time. For instance, when I lived in FL, I promised myself that I would make a minimum of 3 demos to have ready when I moved back to NY. Here I am, a year back in NYC...and not a demo to speak of.

For those that know me, you know that singing is my passion...music is my life...and writing is my outlet...and my survival. So with all that being said, what's the hold up? FEAR. How can someone be afraid of something that they love so much? And what's the worst that could happen...certainly nothing worse than doing NOTHING. But here's where that mantra comes in...when an individual feels desire and fear at the same moment, that individual faces two very distinct paths...pushing past fear and going all in....or debilitating paralysis. One emotion will always outweigh the other.

In most things in my life, I have always overcome my fears. I keep my eye on the goal and just move forward. Tell me why, then, the single most important dream in my life goes unapproached...neglected...and indefinitely paused. FEAR.

I'm not afraid of many things. Sure, the dark creeps me out. Scary movies get to me if I'm all alone. But music is not scary...music is love. Perhaps the connection between music and love is more profound than I thought. Just as I wrote the words, I realized how petrified I am of love, as well. Afraid to let people get too close or see me down. I love the idea of love...but actually giving and receiving the kind of love that I want has elluded me for close to 29 years....and so has my dream of making music. Coincidence? Maybe. FEAR.

I guess all I'm trying to say is I'm really tired of fear winning all the time in this particular battle. So here's one more bet with myself...and you can hold me to it. My last year of my 20's will be spent pursuing the only thing I have ever seen in my future...or else....