Meet Me at the Crossroads

I've been writing less and less in the last year as you may have noticed. Putting a band together, planning an EP release party, booking and promoting shows...all while living out of my car...have proven to be challenging and time consuming tasks. And while I'm honored, proud, and blessed that I was able to survive all of it and pull it off successfully, I find myself at a crossroads.

Yesterday was the hardest day I've had in a long time. I started my morning off by going to the Sunshine Bronx Incubator in the south Bronx, which offers affordable shared office space for start-ups. In the last year, I registered KFHox as a small business in the Bronx. My vision was for KFHox to become an umbrella company covering an array of services including writing, publishing, and consulting. My success within the realm of social media in the last two years has shown me what I'm capable of. I've also really enjoyed the networking aspect of things and putting like-minded people that need one another together. It seemed like a natural transition for me to move into some kind of consulting and managing since I need to make money to keep a roof over my head. The winter's gotten much too cold to continue life in my Jeep.

I gave my elevator pitch of KFHox to Sunshine and left feeling pretty confident that this was what I needed to do to in order to take the next steps. Life post-11.11.11 has consisted of many steps in various directions searching for the next step. Once I got out of my meeting, I returned a call I had gotten from one of my former piano players, Neffee. She invited me to come over for a bit and said that we needed to talk. Instantly, I was sick to my stomach. I had no idea what she wanted to talk about and I was already feeling a bit overwhelmed by the meeting I had just walked out of, but I went because I wanted to chat and I was anxious to find out what was so important.

When I got there, she was playing my EP, "Light Shines Through Me." And while one part of me was happy that she was listening to my music, another part of me knew there was another reason that she was listening to it. She made small talk for a bit and we caught up on a few things since we had last seen each other. And then she started to talk about what we needed to talk about. She told me that she loved me as a friend and that I had a ton of natural talent. But for as talented as I am, I'm not serious about my training and maintenance of my voice. I sat in silence as she broke down the last year of my life....all the promoting and branding and social networking. She said, "You're DOING IT. You're really doing it, Kathryn." But all of this came at the cost of leaving me little to no time to actually be an artist. And while this is something I've discussed with several people over the course of the last year, it sounded different coming from someone else, especially Neffee. It's true. Without a manager or any team to speak of, I'm left to do it all alone. We talked about exercises that I need to incorporate into my daily routine and other things I can do to get my voice where it needs to be, and as our conversation was coming to an end, my phone rang.

On the other end of the phone was Kathy, the woman who helped raise me during most of my childhood. Kathy's basically like my second mother. She's saved my life in every way that a person can be saved...physically, emotionally, mentally, and beyond. She had called to talk to me about "the next step." After just having finished getting some tough love from Neffee, I was now on the phone with Kathy who was continuing on the same path. She knew that I had gone to that meeting in the morning and was calling to tell me, "Your time is NOW." She discouraged me from starting the business venture and told me I needed to find a manager. Everything she said supported what Neffee told me, which was that I needed to focus on my music, on my instrument, and on getting my music made. Management is the only way that can happen.

Both of these conversations came just weeks after continuous conversations with the guy that I've started dating. Once a producer of music, himself, he's been encouraging me to make more music, to focus more on creating. But the challenge of this is finding the right person (people) to create with. I've realized in the last year that I'm not normal or typical. While others focus on how they're going to pay their rent and go on vacations, I'm focused on how I can get people to listen to my music, how I can make more music, and how I can find others that want to make music with me. Music is more than a hobby to me...it's like breathing. Without it, I surely won't survive. I've realized that despite the fact that I hold two Masters degrees and plenty of professional experience, I will never live a fulfilling life without music in it on a full-time basis.

Today, I'm at a crossroads. I need to make money so that I can sustain my livelihood, but I refuse to do anything, but music. Something's gotta give.

What's Your Favorite Song?

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One of my favorite songs, both to listen to and sing, is "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys. I guess it's only appropriate being that the majority of my relationships have demonstrated the kind of tumultuous ups and downs that the song represents. Another related song that I love by Raphael Saadiq so aptly states, "Falling in love can be easy...staying in love is too tricky." Take 'em to church, Ray Ray!

The beginning of a relationship is all hearts and rainbows and butterflies. There are a million songs out there that sing of all the wonders that new love brings and the feelings it evokes. Case in point, "newness" by Musiq Soulchild, talks about the ease that we all experience when we're at love's edge, just about to fall. "Everything is cool when love is all brand new Cause you're learning me and I'm learning you." Yeah, Musiq, everything IS cool then, but what happens after we learn each other? Well, there's a catalogue of songs for that part, too.

Whatever your mood, feeling, or personal situationm there is at least a handful of songs that can speak your heart or mind. Music is beautiful that way. It allows us to never really feel alone. It lets us know that there is at least one other person in the world who has gone through the exact same situation. Music serves as a friend, a psychiatrist, a motivator, an inspiration, or just a comrade in pain. No matter what the genre, there is a melody that can help lift you up or allow you to perpetuate and wallow in your sadness.

Music is my true love...my soulmate. Music has been the only successful long term relationship I have ever had...it has never left me and it has been exactly what I needed at the very moment that I needed it. It's also served as bookmarks for periods of my life. I can vividly remember certain events in my life solely based on a song that came out during the same time.

There is no better way to hear music than live in concert! I have been brought to tears at more concerts than I care to admit. But there's something just so moving about being with the person singing the words to one of your favorite songs and singing with them. I recently went to go see a Dave Matthews Band concert in Bethel, NY and found my eyes welling up with tears as they played "Ants Marching." Memories of high school flooded my brain and I before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.

I've seen Billy Joel twice in concert and I have to say they were 2 of the best shows I have ever been to. The first time I saw him was with my family. I was about 10 years old at the time and remember that feeling like it was yesterday. The next time I saw him was years later during high school. I went with my good friend, Jeff, who had recently had a diving accident and was adjusting to life as a quadrapalegic. We sat in the very top section of the convention center...it was the first time I had watched a show from that perspective. As I sat there with Jeff and listened to Billy Joel pour out the words to countless songs I sung word for word, I realized how beautiful the experience was. I was so honored that Jeff had invited me to go to that concert with him...for so many reasons. As Billy came out for his encore and performed "Piano Man," you could hear the voices of the thousands of people singing the lyrics. This was by far the most profound realization that I had at any concert. It was the first time that I realized the impact and the universal nature of music. For 4-5 minutes, we all stood and sang the words of that song...each with our own memories attached to the lyrics. But in that span of time, we focused on nothing...nothing but the music. It didn't matter if we were rich or poor, black, white, or purple with yellow polka dots...there we all stood side by side and were connected by that song. It was magical. I get goosebumps just thinking of that moment.

You could take pretty much everything I owned away from me...just don't take my music. I could exist on water and music alone. The music provides the kind of sustenance that feeds nutrition to my heart and soul. The music will always let me know, that no matter what...like Bob Marley's "3 Little Birds"...every little thing is gonna be all right.