I Need a Hero

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So here we are in the final days of 2010. I hope this year has brought about something good in your life, perhaps something even great! I'm experiencing a bit of writer's block with my music right now so I figured I'd keep the writing juices flowing, but take a step of way from lyrics for a bit to hopefully find some new inspiration. 

As I reflect on this year, it's hard to believe how much has happened...for the good and the bad. The best part of my year by far has been setting the wheels in motion to pursue my acting and singing career...with some writing and modeling in between. It's amazing what you're capable of doing if you stop thinking about what to do....and just do it. I guess Nike was onto something there. 

As for the bad part of my year...is it better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all? Well, I think so...for the most part. After writing so much about love this year, I feel like it's only appropriate that I should close out the year with some kind of reflection on it. You've heard about me falling in love, falling out of love, and my version of going green...a recycling of exes. It's dawned on me that in 2011, I want to meet Captain Planet...not that Captain Planet.

If I look at each one of my exes, I realize that each of them offers something great and unique about themselves. However, each one of them offers at least one or more characteristic which will simply not allow things to work out in the long term. Accordingly, if I could take the good characteristics from each of them to form a totally, perfect, compatible person for me, I could have the best of everything. Individually, they're not going to work out, but if I combined their forces, I just might find happiness in a relationship, ya know...like Captain Planet. And if not, there's always He-Man...I mean, how can you go wrong with the most powerful man of the universe? 

I'll Be Home for Christmas

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It's Christmas day...and I'm in NYC, away from family and friends...but home. You may wonder why I've chosen to spend this special day by myself in such a big city. Part of me feels that I owe no explanation for wanting a little peace and quiet during this holiday, but another part of me feels compelled to share my reason for wanting to be where I am...even though it's home.

I came very close to opting out of Christmas this year all together...not the essence of the holiday, but the traveling portion of events. It's not that I don't love to see my family and friends during this time, but traveling alone year after year takes its toll and can sometimes feel like more of a task than anything else. I'm always glad that I made the trip once I'm with my family, but in the midst of making the drive back and forth, many times I just wish that they were all coming to see me for once.

Instead of skipping all the traveling this year, I decided to spend the time with my family that I wanted to without compromising all of myself...and still leaving Christmas day as a day to myself. It's something I've never done...and many times, did not have the option of doing.

I woke up this morning and took my time getting out of bed. With nowhere to be, I was tempted to just stay home and fall in and out of sleep, but I realized the significance of the day and wouldn't allow myself to let this day go by without some kind of reflection....and without doing something at least relatively productive. I got in my car and made my way onto the West Side Highway. I drove into the city without a specific destination in mind...except for a pit stop to Starbucks and a visit to one of my favorite churches, Riverside Church. I drove around taking in some of the last seasonal sights of the holiday season. I love the city every time of year, but there's something extra magical about New York City during Christmas time....which got me thinking.

I realized today, on the celebration of the day of Jesus' birth, that being in NYC is where I feel most connected to God. You may wonder why a hectic place like the city would make me feel closer to God. I suppose much of it is based on my own personal love of city life and aquatic scenes....Manhattan is the best of two of my very favorite things: the city and the water. The concrete jungle set juxtapose to the Hudson River reminds me of God's presence. The man-made structures somehow seem to fit perfectly against the backdrop of some of God's most beautiful creations. As humans, we are capable of making amazing, awe-inspiring structures. As incredible as they are, they're made that much more beautiful set against the structures and creations that only God can create. No matter how much technology comes along or how many buildings are constructed over the years, there is something about nature....the water and trees and the wind that blows....that reminds you that while, yes, man has come so far and created so much. But God, God has created man. And without God, we'd never know the beauty of any of this. Today I thank God for allowing me to have so many loved ones in my life, but I'm glad to celebrate being home for Christmas...and not just in my dreams.

Taking the X Out of Christmas: II

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I had originally included this as part of the first blog post regarding my rantings about replacing the word Christ with an X in Christmas, but I thought it would be a little inappropriate to follow that up with something as silly as talking about my exes...so here we are at the sequel...a separate, but indirectly related notion of taking the X out of Christmas...or in this case, the ex.

During a recent trip to Buffalo with an ex, I realized that there is really nothing left between us...nothing may be too strong of a word. We do have friendship left, but friendship is the only aspect of "us' that remains. When he had originally asked me to take the trip with him, I was flattered and thought that maybe this would be the breakthrough we needed to figure things out. By the time he dropped me off at my house, I realized this WAS the breakthrough I needed...to finally walk away. Nothing bad or earth-shattering happened during our fourteen hour road trip...no fighting, no accidents- nothing. It was in this nothingness that I realized that while he's one of my favorite people to watch basketball with or sometimes catch a movie with, that's all it is...friendship. I don't wait by the phone for him to call me. I don't care if I go through the week without seeing him. And I definitely don't have any plans of buying him a Christmas present. This year, I'm taking the ex out of Christmas...and the X.

Taking the X out of Christmas

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I was initially writing this post about my general bewilderment regarding people taking "Christ" out of Christmas and replacing it with an "X," but I realized I could go in two different directions with this. But since that was my first idea, I'm going to run with that for a bit.

I go through this every year around this time....when people are diligently updating their Facebook statuses with Christmas news, plans, lists, etc. I've even had my own Facebook statutes about this very subject because I'll never understand it. Is it not bad enough that the media, advertisers, and marketers have made the holiday season more about someTHING than someONE? What kind of deals can I get? How many people do I have to buy presents for? Do people really forget what CHRISTmas is about? If you take out the Christ in Christmas...all you have is "mas"....more, more, more...excessive things...but less in terms of the true essence of Christmas. It seems that people only perpetuate this notion of thing-ness, if I may coin a word, by using the term X-mas. And why isn't Hanukkah shortened at all...or Kwanza? Where's the consistency? Ok, that's my tangent on that subject. I feel better now...until the next time I see someone writing X-mas. Happy Holidays!

Spandex= Accountability?

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So I'm apparently on a roll with less than inspirational blogs lately, but what are ya gonna do? Anywho...I was recently having a conversation with someone regarding my wardrobe options at the gym. If you know me then you know that I'm a pretty coordinated person...color-wise. My sneakers match my pants, which match my shirt, etc...This is true in and outside of the gym. Aside from the color aspect of my gym wardrobe, I wear mainly spandex. I wear spandex for a few reasons...the main reason is because it's the easiest to move around in. Don't get me wrong, I love sweatpants...but they're not always the best to maneuver around at the gym and they get too dang hot. I reserve sweatpants for every other hour of the day...at least when I can get away with it.

But the other reason I wear spandex is because they offer some aspect of accountability. It takes a certain level of confidence...and shape...to wear spandex (at least in terms of pulling it off). So I know that if I want to keep being able to wear spandex, I have to keep going to the gym...and if I'm at the gym, I can keep wearing spandex. It's a bit of a cycle I suppose. But if nothing else, spandex does offer some kind of accountability. Just sayin'.

Where Does Weight Go When You Lose It?

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I have a photo shoot tomorrow morning so obviously I'm staying up too late and watching television....and blogging. I'm watching Letterman and Ricky Gervais is talking about losing weight, which I can totally relate to as I'm fighting off nerves about how this shoot will go and how I'll appear. It goes with the territory of what I do...I'm hired based on how I look (and how I sound). Accordingly, my feelings about my looks have transitioned to a different place than they once were.

I'm considered a full size model. In all fairness, full size models are very average sizes. I like my body and I'm comfortable with my weight...but being in the entertainment industry, there really is a lot of pressure about your looks. Sometimes I can't submit for certain roles because they're size-specific, which can be really frustrating, For the most part though, I do really like my shape...something that took a little getting used to as I made the transition from a girl to a woman. Being curvy can be overwhelming at first...especially in a society where boys' jeans are marketed to girls. For the most part, however, I've been fortunate to be a curvy girl living in a curvy world...during a time when less than skinny girls are the trend.

But I digress...going back to what Ricky Gervais was talking about that prompted this whole thing. He said that he hasn't really changed what he's eating, he just started working out. That got me to thinking about my latest attempts at weight loss. I work out generally about 5 days a week. I was thinking about what I would look like if I worked out less frequently. My father calls me an eating machine...and I think he may be right. If I could just stick to a steady diet, I may see some further results from all that working out that I do. So where did the title of this post come from? It was another thought that stemmed from the notion of weight loss. I understand that if you get liposuction, your fat actually goes somewhere. But when you lose weight the good old fashioned way, where does it actually go? Weird, right?

The Ex-Factor

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I knew it would be only a matter of time before I really got into this subject. It's been like a ticking time bomb...one that I've made certain comments about, but have never really fully devoted an entire post about. Unlike most people I know, I have an uncanny ability to stay friends, on some level, with almost all of my ex-boyfriends. Most of my friends have the ability (and arguably the common sense) to break things off in a very permanent way when their relationships don't work out. I, on the other hand, am the girl who just can't seem to let go...or is it that they can't let me go...maybe a little bit of both.

When I first started to really actively blog, I had just started dating someone that I found to be one of the most special people I've ever dated. It was a whirlwind romance and everything happened so quickly. But like most romances of that kind, it burnt out almost just as fast...though I never really did completely understand why...but that's neither here nor there, especially at this point. In a recent turn of events, I've been back in touch with this individual...something I thought would never happen after the way things ended. But I guess time has a way of allowing your heart to heal enough to interact with someone who broke it. 

So now I'm at a point in my life that I have all these exes...all of whom have not moved on in a real way. (i.e. gotten married, had children, etc.)...and I'm wondering what it says about the men I choose to date...and what it says about me in general. I'm finally at a place where I'm actively pursuing my career whole-heartedly and barely have time for any kind of real social life. As a result, my love life has taken a backseat to everything else I want for my life...which hasn't gone unnoticed. My parents have recently announced that they've given up on having anymore grandchildren. Ugh...no pressure. 

In a recent barrage of phone calls and contact with a few of my exes, it got me wondering what is it about me that's not quite good enough to be with for the long haul...yet, too good to completely walk away from. Even more than that, it makes me wonder if staying touch with my exes is keeping me from creating a new and meaningful relationship with someone else...and then I remembered the last few people I went on dates with...and all of a sudden, the ex-factor seems to make so much more sense. 

1st Date Makeup

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So if you know me, you know that I may or may not be mildly obsessed with my Blackberry. But in my own defense, I depend on my phone entirely to do what I do. Accordingly, my phone is usually in my hand...or at least within arm's reach. Aside from getting my casting notices and calls via email, I use my phone for a whole gaggle of other purposes. One of these purposes is to give myself reminders for things I want to blog about. Every once in a while, I'll go to my random list of blog topics in my phone and laugh to myself. Tonight was one of those such nights.

If you've been following me for a while, you may have seen the video I had to do for a commercial submission. If not, I've recently re-posted it for your viewing pleasure. It's a bit of silliness I did with my friend, and fellow actor, Jenn Jacober. While getting reading for a music video, Jenn joined me for some antics and helped me come up with some ideas. Somehow, perhaps because of the fact I was putting on makeup at the time, the notion of first date makeup came up in our conversation. Sorry to the dudes who read this...you may not fully understand.

Do you ever think about the level of care you put into getting ready depending on the situation? For instance, would your preparation time/ intensity be the same if you were getting ready for a first date versus getting ready for a family function? I'm just saying...certain situations just call for that extra sweep of blush and another layer of mascara....ooooh and lip gloss. Don't forget the lip gloss.

I hope you weren't expecting to read something inspirational or uplifting tonight...since all I have to offer right now is a silly blog about 1st date makeup....but I do hope that you have something to put some 1st date kinda makeup on for soon! Until then, I'll go back to my list of blog ideas and write about something more meaningful.

Spring Cleaning

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I just got back from an extra long weekend up north for Thanksgiving. It seemed to be just in time to get out of New York for a little while. I always reach a point when I need to have some kind of catharsis from NYC. Don't get me wrong, there's nowhere else quite like New York. But I have to admit, sometimes I crave little old Rhode Island and the simpler things in life.

Speaking of simpler things in life, here I go again with the luh-luh-luhhhh uh forget it, you know what I'm talking about. If you've been reading my blog for any period of time, you've been with me for some of the ups and definitely the downs on the topic of l-o-v-e. If I spell it out, it's not as hard to say.

It's pretty miserable out today weather-wise...rainy, windy, and just downright scary to be outside. Accordingly, I took the day to clean my poor, neglected apartment. With all the work I've been getting and then traveling, my apartment was starting to resemble a storage unit instead of a residence. I even took some extra time to put out my Christmas decorations so I'm feeling pretty accomplished.

As I threw out a ton of unnecessary paperwork, old magazines, and newspapers, it got me thinking. It doesn't take much to get my brain whirling, but the act of cleaning my apartment made me think of cleaning out other aspects of my life. Lately, I've found certain people and things to be particularly heavy and adding to the collection of clutter that only weighs me down. I simply can't be everything to everyone...despite my best efforts. Accordingly, I'm doing a little extra "spring" cleaning to free my mind and my spirit of all the things that are keeping me from being the best version of me that I can be. I'm not directing this blog at anyone or anything in particular (at least no one that I know that reads this blog)...just airing my brain out a bit as I air out my throw rugs.

You might wonder how any of this refers back to what I started saying about love. Well, if you've read my blog about recycling (aka going green), you'll understand the importance of throwing things away once and for all. And while I'm not quite at that point yet, I feel like I'm at my breaking point one way or another. Will I take the final step in my spring cleaning? I'll keep you posted.