Forever Young

I've spent most of this week trying to catch up with as many old friends as possible. Since I moved to FL for about 5 1/2 years, it's been ages since I've seen most of the people that I knew growing up. I always mean it when I tell people that I want to get together, but life has its way of keeping you apart sometimes. This week I was on a mission to stay good on my word to catch up with some very dear friends...and I did just that.

One of my friends who I try to always visit is my old friend, Tim Lyons. Tim was one of my very good friends growing up. I used to walk to and from school with him and a few other neighborhood boys. Those are some of my fondest memories of Tim...mainly because I don't have the privilege of creating any new memories.

On March 17, 1995, Tim was walking down Middle Road in East Greenwich, where we grew up, and was struck by a drunk driver. The car hit him so hard that he was propelled into the woods and literally out of his shoes. The driver of the car claimed he thought he had hit an animal and went home to call his attorney...I don't know how many people that think they hit animals go home and seek legal counsel about it. I can remember the morning I found out about Tim vividly. He was the first friend of mine to die...the fact that he was killed made it that much more difficult to take in as a 14 year old.

The news was plastered with the story of my friend. And the months following were no easier. I spent a lot of time at Tim's house with his mother and uncle. I would also walk to the site of where Tim got hit...almost everyday. I grew up in a small town in the smallest state in the country so it didn't go unnoticed. Soon my mother received a few phone calls by people who were alarmed by my visits to him. My mother was annoyed by people's questioning of why I would do such a thing...I was mourning...the only way I knew how at such a young age. I would walk to the memorial site and his grave and sing songs to Tim. I actually had a whole set of songs that I would sing each time I visited..."Hold On" by Sarah McLachlan, "Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley, "Leaving on a Jet Plane" by Peter, Paul, & Mary, and "On My Own, from "Les Miserables." That year, I did the talent show at the junior high and performed "On My Own" and dedicated it to Tim...it was the first time I had performed like that in front of my classmates...and I owe the courage it took to do to Tim.

It's been 15 years since Tim's been gone. I went to his grave today to go visit with my friend. I was silent as I stood there. It wasn't that I had nothing to say or that I didn't want to talk to him, I was just trying to take it all in...all over again. All of my friends that I got to visit this week had stories of things going on in their lives...things we had missed out on with one another. I realized today that Tim will always be 15...and in many ways, that will be the version of Tim that I think of everytime I go to visit him. Though I get older and have the privilege of experiencing the joys and pains of life, my friend is forever young...something that sounds better in theory than it does in reality. I miss my friend a little more with each passing year. I realize it's another year we will not get to catch up, another year he will not get to create new memories, and despite another year, he's still 15.

We live in a time where botox and plastic surgery are fairly common place. Trying to maintain youth is an obsession within the media and in many of our personal lives. To be perfectly honest, I have my own hang ups about wrinkles and other signs of getting older. Today I realized I'm just grateful for the opportunity to live another day...and to live long enough to worry about such trivial things....we should all be so lucky. The next time you find a gray hair, just remember how many hours, days, years, laughter, tears, and memories it took for you to get there...and be thankful that you're not forever young.

3rd Wheel

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This weekend I had the pleasure of catching up with one of my very best friends and her boyfriend. We headed out to the beach and spent the day lounging by the ocean. The weather was a bit overcast, but it was nice to have a break from the sun and there was a breeze that kept it from ever getting too hot. The water was frigid at first touch, but as soon as you took that dive headfirst into a wave, you felt refreshed and the water suddenly felt comfortable. It was a beautiful day.

My phone died about 20 minutes after we got there so I was disconnected from the world for the entire day...I think that made the day even better. It was just me, the sand between my toes, the sound of waves crashing, good music, and great company. It's one of the best days I've had all summer.

As we were making our way back to their house, I was sitting in the backseat listening to music and taking in all the sights...sights that I don't usually get the privilege of seeing because I'm usually the one driving. It suddenly dawned on me...it's really fun being their 3rd wheel. I laughed out loud as I told them my revelation...and then I had to correct myself...I realized it was way better than being a 3rd wheel, I felt more like a sidecar! Good times.

We Are Family

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Many people think that family is defined by a mother, father, siblings, etc...but I'm a firm believer that family is just not that black and white...family is not built on blood alone. I, myself, am the product of a family with many shades of grey. Growing up with a mother who suffered from manic depression and a father struggling with alcoholism, my house was not always the safest place for me to be. Luckily, my life was blessed with  guardian angels here on earth who saved my life on more than one occassion and in many different ways.

I don't want to give you the impression that I grew up without my family...that would be inaccurate. My parents did the very best they could under the circumstances...and though it took me the better part of my life to realize it, they're humans...not the superheroes I once expected them to be. I just want to convey the message that I love my parents and I'm grateful for the role they played in my life...but my life would not be what it is today without the help of the rest of my family...the family that I was not born into, but who undeniably loved me and and took me in as their own.

My father worked for the phone company and used to go to get-togethers and other parties held by his co-workers. At one of these such events, my parents became friendly with another couple. This couple had 3 sons and the wife had told my mother she would be happy to babysit me and my sisters any time...she had always wanted a little girl...and though I'm sure she didn't realize it at the time...that's just what she would get.

Sometime not too shortly after that, my mother ended up taking her up on her offer to babysit. My mother was in and out of mental hospitals for the better part of my childhood. And while my mother was getting treated for her mental illness, my father was self-medicating and in and out of rehab and AA. The breaking point was when I was a little over a year old. I was running a fever and silent. My mother was having a manic episode, but managed to call this woman to get her opinion. She came over to the house immediately and convinced my mother to call my doctor. The doctor told her to bring me to the hospital and he'd meet her there. They took me to the hospital where they proceeded to give me a spinal tap. I didn't cry...I did nothing. The doctors told my family it would be a mircale if I made it through the night. I was diagnosed with spinal meningitis. Well, congratulations, you officially know a miracle...little old me.

Surviving spinal meningitis was only the beginning...the next 12 years would prove to be some of the hardest years. Despite the trying times, this family...who I was not related to...would step up to the plate time and time again defying the concept that family is defined by blood. In that time, I gained two extra parents and three brothers...a support system that I would have been lost without.

I am grateful everyday for my family...my whole family. They have all helped to shape me to be the person that I am today. They have helped me understand the true meaning of family...unconditional love and going above and beyond...even when you don't have to...when you're family, you don't question if you have to...you just do it.

Eat Pray Love

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I haven't seen the movie...or even read the book...but I get the idea. And I'm not sure if seeing the previews a million times or going through some heartbreak on a few different levels lately inspired it, but something's recently clicked and I feel the need to do just that...eat, pray, and love. I don't have the kind of funds that would allow me to travel overseas to do it, but I don't need to go so far away to take some time to myself.

I'm heading up north for a while in hopes of getting some new inspiration. I'm hoping that putting a little distance between myself and my current reality will help to open my eyes and give me some perspective. I'm going armed with some good books, a notebook, and my iPod. Sometimes the monotony of day to day life can leave you feeling a little less than inspired. It can have you feeling like Paul McCartney in "Band on the Run"..."stuck inside these four walls/ sentenced at forever." I'm breaking out of my four walls and trying a different angle at life. Pressing reset has left me needing a new approach...an approach that includes eating fresh Maine lobstah, praying and meditating on positive thoughts, and loving myself. I already feel better...and I'm just packing.

Pressing Reset

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Well, it's over.For anyone who has been keeping up with the blog, you've heard about the guy I've been dating for the last couple months...it's safe to say you'll never hear about him again. And if you've been reading my blog, you're also familar with something I call the ice cube theory...the ice cube is melted, shattered, and all over the floor...but I can proudly say the ice cube's state is solely due to him...I tried. I tried and tried...and refrained from name calling or hurtful actions...which is more than I can say for him. I guess I can come clean about the the fact that most of the reason I've been so down lately has stemmed from him. I'm not one of those girls who lets my whole world  be affected by a guy, but this time I gave too much too soon...and paid the consequences.

Lesson learned...moving right along. It seems appropriate that things should come to an end with him just as I am spreading my wings in other areas of my life..a new beginning. I've been diligently submitting to casting agencies and feeling the winds of change in the air. It's time to get back to me and the goals in my life. At times, we get so preoccupied with trying to make things in a relationship work that we neglect to make our own lives work. When you realize you're giving more of yourself to someone else than you are to you, it's time to press reset.

Validation vs. Violation

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We've all been there at some point...minding our own business, walking down the street...getting out of our car...wherever it was, some guy(s) thought it would be the right move to whistle, shout out some lude remark, or make some other kind of less than classy gesture. And while, as a lady, it's always a little boost to the old self-esteem to know you've got "it," there's still a fine line.

We live in a time that has a whole new level of openess...over-sexed is a common word to describe our present culture. It seems as though the masses have followed suit with our media-driven popularity of showing too much...and saying too much. There must be something in the water in the last couple weeks...because lately everywhere I go, there is a guy just ready to offer his unsolicited opinion of me. As previously stated, a compliment from a dude can lift your spirits every once in a while...providing some kind of validation that we looking good. But certain types of compliments...and certain types of guys....can have an effect that is much less desireable...the kind that makes you want to take a shower after the interaction. Eww.

Luckily, during this recent bararge of hoots and hollers, I held a door open for a woman. She was an older woman who walked with a walker. I thought she was thanking me as I held the door, but as I realized what she was saying, I started to giggle. She was explaining that she was not rude or fresh, but that I looked great spandex. "Some people don't belong in spandex...but you, you belong in spandex, girl." I think the best compliments you can get come from other women...especially because it can be a pride swallowing experience to tell another woman that she looks good. I honestly think that women check out women MORE than men do...how ya figure? Well, I can't speak for all women, but I can pretty safely say that most women compare themselves to others...I wish my hair was as long as hers or I think I have nicer legs than her. It's just an innate reaction...so when a woman actually speaks up to tell you that you're looking good, it far outweighs almost any compliment from a guy...and it sure beats getting verbally assaulted.

Instant gratification...instant altercation: Gotta love technology.

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Do you remember your life before you owned a cell phone? I have vague memories of memorizing people's phone numbers, but those days are long gone. I don't know anyone's phone number or email address. Technology has helped me save so much room in my brain...though mainly only to use the spare brain cells to learn how to use the technology that saves the room in my brain.

There are those of us that feel like we forgot something important if we leave our house unarmed with our cell phone....something important...ya know, like underwear, but even more important. We forget how to function. Pretty scary thought to think that we no longer know how to exist without our cell phone. But something that strikes me even more isn't what happens when we're the ones who forget our phone...it's the reactions of others on the other end of the line.

Today I left my phone in my car...something that's not uncommon when I go the gym. I consider myself a pretty connected person, but even I have my moments where I need to get off the grid for a bit. From time to time, if I know I have to be available, I'll work out with my phone...begrudingly. Today happened to be one of those days that I needed to escape and just let myself give into the trance of the stairmaster...in hopes it would help me get out of this funk I've been in lately. Fail.

I got back into my car after some serious cardio and a good ab workout...and pulled my phone out to see what I missed. 4 emails and 2 phone calls...the 2 missed calls were from the same person. I called right back and got no answer. I shrugged and went on with the rest of my day...kinda. I called the person back about 20 minutes later...still no answer. I have to admit I was a little frustrated.

Never thinking the person who called me would be aggravated, I found myself getting more and more frustrated for not being able to get through. Remember the days of cassette answering machines...when you never knew if someone was going to answer...and they didn't know it was you calling because caller i.d. was still kind of Jetson status? Gone are those days. Now we live in a time where being unavailable is being rude...or makes you seem suspect. Everyone wants everything right NOW.

After a couple hours, the person called me back...questioning why I wasn't available. I quickly apologized, but was tempted to question why THEY didn't answer. But what's the point...I didn't feel like getting into an argument...aside from the fact that I had a good reason for not having my phone on...so maybe they did, too. All I know is after we hung up, I missed those days of simpler times...rotary phones, beepers, and dial-up internet. Those were the days.