In Between Jobs

Image by ξωαŋ ThΦt via Flickr

As you may or may not know, I've been out of work for quite some time now. It's not something I openly advertise. And even when asked, I ever so elusively give the response that I'm currently "in between jobs," something I heard during my unemployment that sounded so much better than just saying I was unemployed. I usually also quickly add that I just finished my second masters degree so as to avoid the feelings of shame that generally follow someone asking me this question. This has been a tremendously difficult year for me both personally and professionally.

I was let go from a job last summer that I gave my life to. I travelled a lot locally and worked from home, which meant I almost literally never stopped working. I used to think working from home would be a dream. The reality is you never leave your office so there's no separation between your work day and the rest of your life. It was stressful, time consuming, and the most demanding position I've ever had. I sacraficed personal relationships, social gatherings, and even family emergencies (including the death of my aunt) just to stay on top of my work.

When I was not working from home, I was travelling everyday into a different borough of NYC...anywhere between the Bronx, Queens, and Manhattan. I visited a different school every single day. Many of my days started as early as 4:30 a.m. to catch a train, transfer, and whatever else mode of transportation to get to a high school in time for their first bell. It was stressful...and I lost of lot of sleep...but I loved it. I had no problem giving up anything just to make myself available for that job. In the end, there was no reciprocity in my professional relationship. I gave it my all and got nothing in return...sounds hauntingly familiar to many personal relationships in the past, as well. The result was the same as those aforementioned relationships, too...tears...many, many tears.

But I'm not writing today to cry anymore tears or to whine about a job that stressed me out. I'm writing to make good on a bet that I made in a past blog post. I said that in the last year of my 20's, I'd finally make a conscious and true effort to live my dreams. My dreams have evolved over time. What once began as a dream to take the stage and perform all over the world still glimmers dimly in my heart. But as the reality of the industry and my age sets it, my dreams have become different...age appropriate, if you will. My dreams still involve music...but are now also encompassing acting and writing. I have always been a creative person. This has never been a doubt in my mind...or the minds of most of my employers...for better or worse. Some employers have just been more appreciative of my creativity than others. This is understandable, as not all of my positions have been juxtaposed to such a personality type. Regardless of this, my mind has always wandered to the the creative and expressive.

As I am currently just past a year of being unemployed and having dealt with some personal issues during this time, I'm finally in a place where I have no excuses left and there is nothing else that could possibly go more wrong than it already has...a bold statement, but I feel confident that it's true. Accordingly, this coming week, I am heading out to casting agencies, armed with headshots and a strange confidence I've never had before. I've questioned this confidence a bit and come to the realization it's stemmed from the fact that I have absolutely NOTHING to lose. I've already lost my job. I lost most of my pride in the last year. And I've lost the ability to apply for jobs that I have absolutely no interest in doing. More so, I have lost the ability to apply for jobs that I am over-qualified for only to be turned away because I have too much education. I never realized all that school would work against me.

I'm now heading into an industry where my education is irrelevant. Nonetheless, it will serve me well in terms of communicating who and what I am and what I want. The very worst that can come out of any of this is that I still have no job. Returning to that previous statement from a former blog that states: fear can not be felt in the same breath as desire, I head into this week with a new score on life. Desire: 1. Fear: 0.