Cuz I Gotta Have Faith

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Well, well, well...it's been much too long, but I'm back! It's been a blessing to be as busy as I've been, but I need to make more time to dedicate to my writing...since it's my connection with YOU...besides my music. I attended a mixer for Bronx Small Business & Entrepreneurs last night and the discussion of bloggers reminded me that I couldn't remember the last time I blogged! Shame on me! Not that I haven't been writing...I've just been writing lyrics for the last couple months. The fruits of that labor are sure to unfold very soon and I can't wait to share them with you, too!

If you know even a smidge about me, you'll know that the reason I haven't had time to write lately is because I've been working tirelessly on my project, the first EP I've ever recorded. As time goes on, the EP continues to take on new a life...birthed by additional musicians joining me on the first track, "Back With You," and as a result of me stepping further into the role of producer with the 3 tracks that I'm working on.

In addition to the music that I'm currently working on, I've decided I need to do more. I have so much to share and it's virtually impossible to share everything I want to within 3-5 songs. Accordingly, I've started a new project through Kickstarter, whose aim is to secure the funding for a full-length album as well as the music video for "Back With You."

Aside from all of this, I'm in a very transitional place. Having sold all of my furniture and subletting an apartment, I'm surrounding myself with only the basics (and shoes, lot of shoes!). I have until August 15th to figure out the next step. By the grace of God, my rent is paid up until then and I'm just trying to figure out the next step.

Throughout all of this, I've not spent more than a moment worrying about what the next step is...well, maybe a moment or two. On Wednesday, June 22, 2011, I stopped by to speak to Pastor Mcdonald, someone who has undeniably been placed in my life at this moment for a very real reason. He had requested that I stop by, but hadn't given me a particular reason or anything to reflect upon before I got there. However, when I stopped by that day, my heart was heavy.

I went to meet him with these things in my heart and he began to speak. Before I had an opportunity to really share what was in my heart, God had found a way for him to speak the words I needed to hear. Not only did he reassure me that everything would work itself out (which it did and continues to do), but he proclaimed that I would be a household name and that I would serve a role to the children and women I'm so moved to inspire. Pastor Mcdonald likened me to Esther, a Jewish orphan who later became queen of Persia and the heroine of Purim. He told me to mark this day as he prophesied what my future would hold...and that's what this blog will serve to do.

A chance encounter with a homeless woman named Mary Beth the day before weighed so heavily on my heart prior to walking in to speak with him. I realized I could only give her love and compassion if she let me. But she would only allow me to do that for a limited amount of time. I encouraged her to love herself as much as I did and as much as God did. I could see in her eyes, she wanted to feel that way. She had lost her daughter and her boyfriend and she was truly lost. But somehow, a glimmer in her eye showed me that she's on the path to finding herself once again. Though she may not be ready yet, she is on her way. I gave her my business card and I pray that, when the time is right, she'll reach back out to me. She'll stay in my thoughts and prayers until that day. I know that I can be a voice and give a voice to the poor and oppressed. I cried as we hugged one another and May Beth asked why I was crying. I explained that I cried because I understand. I truly know the pain that she feels....aside from compassion, I have empathy. But even if you don't know what it's like to be in someone's shoes...try. You'll never know the difference you can make in someone's life just by taking the time to try to understand.

We've recently added "Faith" by George Michael to our latest set and it couldn't come at a more appropriate time. I've reached a place in my life that every step I take is focused on my faith. And with that faith, I have overcome getting my apartment broken into, my phone stolen, my finances falling short, and all the other bumps in the road that, at one point in my life, would've devastated me and knocked me down completely. Today, I stand by faith. Everyday I am reaffirmed in the fact that I have nothing to fear as long as I am faithful. I pray that you can find the same solace and serenity in your heart and mind....with faith.

If You Never Ask, the Answer's Always No

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5:41 a.m. That's what time my phone rang yesterday. But I was already up. Excitement wouldn't let me sleep the night before. I guess Brey, my producer, must've felt the same...since he was the one on the other end of the phone yelling. "You up, HoxieCotton?!" "We're not going to Cali...leaving Kennedy onto LAX....but I'm up." That was the beginning of my very busy, very AMAZING day yesterday.

Just checking in with everyone to say hello and share some of the excitement that's been going on lately. I barely know where to begin. I guess the best way to explain why things have been so busy lately is to SHOW you. Head over to kickstarter.com/projects/kfhox to get all the latest updates from my very first EP!

My first order of business yesterday started in the studio with Brey King (Sound Check Live) and T-ron Lewis (Invaderz). We're finishing up the vocals and final revisions on the first track of my first EP, "Back with You." It has been an absolute labor of love and I'm so excited to be able to share it very, very soon! Track 2 has already started and is almost completely written. Looking forward to sharing what I've been working on!

Once we finished up in the city, Brey and I headed into the city for a meeting with an amazing producer. Since the details are still being worked out, I'll save that story for the future. Just be ready for greatness! I am so incredibly overwhelmed and humbled by all of the people that have opened up their hearts to me!

Our meeting ran late and I had to be in New Rochelle by 5 p.m....with cheesecake...that I was supposed to have made! Yikes! After an hour in rush hour traffic, I was already 45 minutes late for a musical/ spiritual dinner and discussion with Vlada (vladamusic.com). So a stop to Mobil-on-the-Run would have to suffice...Entemann's anyone? Although my visit was brief, it was just what I needed to rejuvenate and refresh before heading off to the next part of my night. I hadn't even eaten yet so this was my reminder to slow down! The ever amazing, talented, blessed, and highly favored Vlada gathered everyone to pray for me before I got back on the road. The power of prayer has been something that has nourished and sustained me through this busy and tumultuous journey!

The final part of my night was spent with some of the most talented and amazing people I've had the privilege of meeting at Hip Hop Saves Lives 1 Year Anniversary (hiphopsaveslives.org), run by CEO Chad Harper and co-hosted by Brey King. The night showcased great musicians, singers, and poets. It was a beautiful night with great people for a great cause!

I was excited to discuss my project with the other artists, promoters, and others that were in attendance. It's so incredible to be a part of everything that's going on! This has been such a beautiful journey and I'm so glad that I finally took the time to ask for help to make this dream a reality! I am living proof that if you want help, all you need to do is ASK for it! If you never ask, the answer's always no. What will you ask of others today? Challenge yourself and others to do something you didn't think was possible...you'll be pleasantly surprised at the responses you get...and you just might realize that the impossible is possible!

The File on J. Edgar Hoover: A Review

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Last night, I had the pleasure of going to see The File on J. Edgar Hoover, an off-Broadway play by Steve Gold, directed by Mark Stone. The play was part of Winterfest 2011 at Manhattan Repertory Theatre in Times Square and was recently re-scheduled to this week.

It's a 2 act play that covers most of Hoover's adult life, from 1927 until his death in 1972. The play touches on Hoover's role as the first director of the FBI and his relationship with his "associate," Clyde Dodson, as well as John & Robert Kennedy, and Richard Nixon. The cast includes some seasoned vets and some fresh rookies, which gives it a great perspective and interpretation of the key players.

If you have some time this weekend, I highly suggest making a reservation to check out the show. There are two shows left:
April 15th @ 9 p.m. & April 17th @  8 p.m.
Manhattan Rep, 303 W. 42nd Street, 3rd floor
$20 ticket, For reservations call: 646-329-6588

The Grass is Always Greener...

Cover of ?uestlove

Well, hello there! I know, I know...it's been a while...too long. I've had a lot going on since the new year and I simply haven't had the time to dedicate to writing as much as I used to. Busy is good though, right?

I just got back from a short trip to FL...my first time back since I got relocated for work back in January 2009 and boy, was it needed. Winter in NY seems to have no end this year. It's been brutal...borderline depressing! A little dose of the sunshine state was definitely just what the doctor ordered. I never would've scheduled the trip, but my old boss (and someone who I consider to be one of my many mothers) was getting married and I simply couldn't miss the occasion!

I booked the flight and tried not to think too much about it until it got closer to the time to go. I've been so wrapped up in my NY life that I didn't have time to really think about what this trip to Florida would mean. But the day finally came and I was never so happy to get on a plane out of New York! I got off the plane and had a chance encounter with ?uestlove (pronounced Questlove) of The Roots while picking up my checked baggage. To this day, I have no idea how to properly pack so I brought way too much stuff for my little 5-day vacation. But the worrier in me would never allow me to pack lightly. As usual, I digress.....

I got off the place and was greeted by one of my very favorite people in FL...the world is actually a more accurate description! Already off to a good start, we decided it would be a good idea to squeeze in a little time in downtown Orlando. But since all the bars close at 2 and I came in late, it didn't offer much time. I found myself wishing we were in NY just so we could stay out a little longer. We made the best of it and had a lot of fun in a short time.

I woke up in the morning feeling like my sinuses had exploded. Though I've never suffered from allergies, Florida seemed to have fooled my sinuses into thinking that I do. I could barely breathe through my nose. I realized I never really felt like that in NY...perhaps because that would require the season of spring to actually arrive!

I won't get into too much of what I did while I was in Florida...I'll just say that I did my best to eat all the food I can only get in FL and see all the people that time would allow while I was there. By the end of my trip, there was a lot of food that I hadn't gotten to eat (probably for the best) and a lot of people that I didn't have the privilege of seeing. Overall, it just made me wanting more...more palm trees, more days on the beach, more time with people I consider true friends, and so on. It made me miss living in Florida.

Though on any given day in the 5 1/2 years I lived in FL, you could hear me babbling on and on about how much I wanted to move back to NY. I wasted a lot of time in FL wishing I was in NY. In the last 2 years that I've been back in NY, you wouldn't have caught me saying the same thing about FL. Perhaps it was an out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing, but I bet you'll hear me wishing FL back into my life now...especially if it snows even ONE MORE TIME! But alas, the moral of the story is that the grass...errr....the sand?....is always greener. Make the best of what you have, where you have it....everything else will work itself out.

Rainy Days & Mondays

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It's Sunday...and the end of one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. If you know me...or you've read my blog, you know that I do my best to keep things on a positive note. I always try to find the silver lining...even during the worst of times. And though nothing's changed in terms of my attempt to find the silver lining, I've just been absolutely unsuccessful in finding it lately. Try and try as I might, it's been to no avail and I find myself trying to re-trace my steps back to the time before I felt this way. The problem is...I don't know when it started.

As I sit and write this, I'm reflecting on when I first started this blog. I don't remember the precise moment or circumstance that prompted the blog, but I remember why I wanted to start the blog. I wanted to share things in my life because I felt like I had something to say to people...something to say about things that affect all of us at some point...whether directly or indirectly. So today, as I wipe tears away after each sentence that I write...just trying to figure out why I'm crying in the first place...I'd like to share with you a little bit of history...my history, specifically.

Despite the fact that I try to always stay positive, the journey to get to that attitude has been tumultuous. Back in sophomore year of high school, I remember the feeling that I'm feeling now. It was new then and unfamiliar. I couldn't understand why I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. What could be so hard as a teenager...homework, sports, extra-curricular activities? Granted, both of my parents had been dealing with cancer for the last couple years prior to that, but they were both better...or at least getting better. There was a lot to be hopeful for and I had my whole life ahead of me...why was I so sad?

My mother sent me to various kinds of doctors trying to figure out if something physical was making me feel this way emotionally. After a series of doctors appointments and tests, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and ended up in the chair of a psychiatrist....the kind of doctor I had dreaded my whole life. I had always attached psychiatrists and psychologists to my mother...who had been diagnosed with manic depressive disorder shortly after I was born. I thought that if I was in this office that it meant I was turning into my mother...I must be mentally ill, too. I was horrified. And if I thought I was sad before, being in that office made me a million times more sad. But what could I do? I was sad and I couldn't seem to get un-sad...this had to be the answer, right? So I got on medications and went to my appointments to talk about being sad.

I continued to go to counseling throughout high school and ended up back in therapy after I got to college. I was always trying to get off whatever medication they were trying to keep me on. I couldn't shake the thought that these doctors and this medicine were leading me closer and closer to turning into my mother. After a brief hospitalization for a suicide attempt during college, I guess I was finally convinced that maybe...just maybe...there was a reason that I needed to be on this medication and that maybe talking to these doctors was better than not talking at all. Despite that realization, I convinced the doctors at the hospital that I was just fine and that I simply needed to get back to my regular routine. And that's pretty much exactly what happened...until senior year of college. And just like that, that old familiar feeling crept back up and I was back in another hospital...trying to convince doctors that all I needed was to get out.

The last ten years of my life have echoed a lot of what happened during that time in my life....a cycle that I've done my best to stop...or at best, slow down. I'm a firm believer in a mind-over-matter way of dealing with problems....physically, emotionally, or mentally. And for the most part, this philosophy has served me well. Don't get me wrong, I know that modern medicine and practices are justified under certain circumstances. And I certainly have no opinion on how other people cope with their problems. The only person that my opinion serves in this capacity is me. I'm not trying to convince anyone else to think on my level....just want to share my experience in the event that maybe you can relate...or maybe you can finally have a better understanding of someone else that you know that might think similarly. But I digress....as I said, much of the last ten years has been filled with these ups and downs of trying to get control over my depression and my insistence on healing myself versus doctors and medicine doing all the work....which leads me to today.

To be honest, when I began writing this, it was merely a means of avoiding the sadness...a distraction. As I started writing, it transitioned into something else...confrontation of my feelings and coping. I'm feeling 10 times better writing this sentence than the sentence paragraphs before. Maybe it's only fleeting, but I honestly think it's me taking a turn for the first time in a few weeks. I feel the weight of the world a little less and the silver lining is starting to make itself known to me. It's definitely not over, but it's a step in the right direction.

I hope that in some small way by sharing who I am and what I've been through, it will help you, too. Just know that you're not alone. Don't be afraid to feel what you're feeling...that's usually the only way to really get through it. Just don't allow yourself to get so wrapped up in what you're feeling that you forget that it's only temporary. That is, after all, the beauty of time. Nothing lasts forever....good or bad. It's incredibly important to be mindful of that fact that during good times, it's not permanent...so savor every moment. And during those times when the silver lining can't be found, remember that it's only a matter of time before it reappears. Rainy days and Mondays might always get you down, but even if they do, just keep in mind the sunny days and the rest of the week.

Assumptions vs. Psychic Powers

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Hello again. I've been busy with a lot of things lately so I apologize for the lack of posts. I recently worked on an episode of Boardwalk Empire and I've been diligently working on writing new music. In the midst of all of this, I started dating someone that I met on new year's eve (that's a story for another time). Anyway, we've been slowly working our way through the pros and cons of getting to know someone new. Of course the beginning of dating someone can be exciting, but it's also loaded with so many unknown twists and turns and can be a bit of a rollercoaster ride.

In a recent conversation, sometimes known as an argument, we verbally sparred with our own personal interpretations of what should be expected of one another a month and a half into dating...keep in mind, it's the day before Valentine's day...perhaps part of the reason the conversation came up at all. He stated his case and I honestly heard him out., but I don't know if it's just because I'm a female...or if it's just because I'm me...try as I might, I just couldn't bring myself to 100% agree with his perspective. I also think that part of my disagreement with him stemmed from the fact that I really think sometimes guys mistake women's intuition with women's psychic powers....the latter, I certainly don't claim to have.

If a woman assumes something, she's automatically wrong for drawing conclusions without all the facts. On the other hand, men assume that women completely understand the logic behind certain decisions that men make. But if we're not supposed to assume, then why would THEY assume that we understand all their decisions without all the facts. The only explanation I can think of is that men believe we have a set of psychic friends to rely on when we really need to understand things that men do. Maybe I should call Cleo or something.Ugh. Happy Valentine's Day. ; )

The Definition of Insanity

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Typically, doing the same thing over and over again never yields different results. Yet in life, I believe we've all been guilty of such an offense at least once...or I guess in this instance, it would have to be at least twice. For me personally, I've been guilty of this in different aspects of my life.

Based on some recent events, I've been brought to the realization that I have returned once again to this bad habit. It's prompted me to wonder what it is that makes a perfectly intelligent person continue on this path of continuously hitting one's head against the wall. Whatever the reason, I guess the first step...like any problem...is recognizing it. So today I find myself recognizing it...the question is what will I do differently...or will I simply continue to merely recognize it and not proactively change my actions? At the end of the day, just because I know what the definition of insanity is does not automatically mean that I'll do anything to change it. And hey, who knows....maybe something different will happen this time. : /