Patience: It's MORE than a Virtue...your life depends on it

There are so many cliches in the world that we many times take for granted the weight that some of these statements have...until we're slapped in the face with them. In my case, I was recently actually punched in the face for my lack of patience. I am now compelled to break down this cliche in a way that I pray will resonate with you some way.

This past Monday, like so many Mondays before, I was headed downtown on the Bruckner Expressway, towards the west village to go sing at a jam. I usually take the FDR and then head across town to the west village because 95 South is always a parking lot, no matter what time of day. (Here's the first part where I demonstrate a lack of patience.) I was having some car issues as my rear brakes were almost completely bare and I hadn't had the time or the money to go replace them. Allow me to acknowledge the danger of not repairing my vehicle and reflect that this is the first point when I should have realized patience would have kept me off the road and safer than driving on bare brakes. (Case 2 of lack of patience.)

But since I don't dwell in the past, I'll just hope that you take heed to the danger of driving with car problems and pray that you maintain your vehicle to the best of your ability. I'll also note that, since this incident, I've replaced my brakes.
Ok, so back to the Bruckner. Unlike every other night as I use this route to avoid traffic, the Bruckner was just was just as much of a parking lot as 95 usually is. In a hurry to get downtown and sing, I moved into the left hand lane, which was flowing freely, until the split for 87 north, where I slowed down and made my approach  to cut into traffic. In my peripheral vision, I could see the woman in the car next to me and her jerky motions in her car to leave absolutely no room between her and the car in front of her. I noticed it and yet disregarded it. Confident about my ability to get my car into pretty much any space, I waited until the car in front of her moved into the next lane and stealthily slipped my car directly in front of hers. Before I could even have a chance to realize what was happening, the woman in the car behind me had jumped out of her car. My window was down and as I reached for the button to put my window up as she screamed in my face, she put her hand down to stop me and reached out with a closed fist, which made impact directly above my right eye. I sat there in shock as she continued screaming at me, asking me if I was crazy, threatening me. She walked back to her car after a shouting a few more things in my face. Not thinking straight, I got out of my car, shaking like a leaf, so I could write down the make/ model of her car, along with the license plate number. She and her friends continued screaming at me out their windows, telling me to go ahead and call the cops as the passenger in the front seat pulled out what appeared to be a union card. She was saying her cousin was a cop and that it was useless for me to call the police. I was still shaking as I got back into my truck and fumbled to dial the 3 numbers to call for help.
It seemed to take an eternity for me to successfully dial the numbers. When the woman's voice finally answered on the other end, I was overcome and started sobbing as I tried to relay what my emergency was through gasps of air. My head started to throb as she kept asking me to repeat my location. I repeated it over and over again and she still misunderstood where I was saying, which only made my head throb more. I knew I needed to take a deep breath and focus if I was ever going to be able to communicate my location. Finally, I was able to get it across to her and I made my next phone call to Jeff, a man who has been so many things to me in the last few months that to give him one title would serve as a dis-justice. Again I found myself totally hysterical as he answered the phone. I blurted out as much of what happened as possible again through gasps of air. He asked me where I was and I felt my head throbbing again as I tried to explain my location. My frustration grew as I struggled to relay my location once again and my head felt as if it had a heartbeat all its own.
The driver and her friends had made their way out of the traffic and took off in the direction of the Triboro Bridge, still screaming at me as they drove off. I felt helpless and totally out of my element.
The only other thing I could think to do was use social networking to report what had happened in hopes that someone would spot the car. I tweeted about the incident, sharing the info about the car and license plate to over 3,500 people not knowing what else to do. My phone started going off repeatedly with phone calls and text messages from concerned friends who had seen the status update. The police kept calling me trying to pinpoint my exact location, which only further upset me and hurt my head. Finally, I heard the sirens and saw the flashing lights in my rear view mirror.
The officer approached my car and I rolled down my window for the first time since the woman had reached into my car with her fist. He asked me to re-count what had happened and took down all the information I had. He asked if I needed an ambulance and I couldn't figure out how to answer the question. Upon realizing the fact that I have no insurance, all I could think of was the hospital bill and I declined, my head still pounding .
Another officer approached my car and we started talking about the incident. I told him that I was on my way to sing downtown and that I'm a singer and song writer. Before he knew what hit him, he had my CD and my promo flyer in his hand. Without hesitation, I used the opportunity to turn the situation around. I told him about how I use my platform as an artist to encourage other people to live their lives striving for greatness in a healthy way, to educate and empower themselves, and to make the right choices. He started telling me about his weight gain since joining the force and the lifestyle decisions that he had made, which had led him to daily headaches. I started to talk to him about the impact his food choices and lack of exercise had and how he could help himself just by changing some small things to begin with. He told me that he had daughters and had moved out of the Bronx because of incidents like what had happened to me, along with other countless experiences from his service. It made me sad to think about the negative connotations of the Bronx. I reminded him that the crime and negativity was only perpetuated by the fact that people simply accepted it as "the way it is" and that change has to start somewhere. I also reminded him of the importance of his life and his health in the context of his daughters. At this point, my head was still hurting, but I was so grateful for the opportunity to turn something bad into something good...or at least plant a seed of something good. As he returned to his car to assist his partner with the report, Jeff pulled up in front of my car. He had been in the middle of an important meeting, but left as soon as he received my phone call to come to my aid.
As he got out of his car to check on me, the officers returned with the report, and we were all back in our cars making our way through the traffic. Jeff and I pulled off the highway into a gas station to sit and talk about what happened. He said that he was worried about me and the situations I put myself in. I was automatically defensive, even as the pounding in my head should have led me to be calmer and more receptive to his thoughtfulness. Even as he spoke, all I could think of was getting downtown to still make it to a jam.
He advised me that maybe all this was a sign to not go downtown and to lay low for the night. Frustrated even further, I explained that music was the only thing that really offered me any kind of peace, and that allowing the events of the evening to deter me was simply giving in to evil stopping me from my pursuit of my dream. I had re-counted the night after my apartment had gotten broken into and how the people running the show had been surprised that I showed up to perform less than 24 hours after it had happened. I found myself feeling just as I had then...that the show must go on. Reluctantly, he let me get out of his truck, back into mine and I made my way downtown.
I parked my car, fixed the makeup that I had cried off, and made my way into the Village Underground. It was packed and I was eager to get on the list. But the mishaps of the evening had led me to arriving too late so I made my way to The Bitter End, a place I consider to be my home away from home on Monday nights, filled with some of the most talented musicians in our country, but more importantly at that moment in particular, some of the best friends I've made during this journey.
I walked in and told them what happened and was immediately given ice to put on my head and a club soda. I  already started feeling better just knowing the love they had for me. And though my head was still pounding, it felt better to be around great music and amazing people. I went up and performed my song, "Back With You"   and I was grateful that after everything that happened, I was still able to perform and share my gift.
I've done a lot of reflecting since Monday night. I even had to stay in the following night due to the pain in my head, which is something I don't frequently do in this relentless pursuit of my dream. In all the recent reflecting, I realized that patience is one of my biggest challenges. It's something I've realized in the past, but this week, it was put in my face (literally) more than ever. I thank God that the woman only punched me. I realize that she could have had a gun and there's a chance I wouldn't have been alive to share this lesson with you.
"Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10 For those of you that know even just a little about me, you know that I'm a woman of faith. This scripture has been a reoccurring theme in my life. I push so hard everyday towards the fruition of my dream. Sometimes I push so hard that I forget the importance of being patient and realizing how much danger I can put myself in if I'm not cognizant of that fact. I put my faith and trust in God every single day. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that God did not bring me this far to leave me now. But just as that's true, something that Jeff reminds me of on a regular basis, is that God helps those that help themselves. Accordingly, I pray that this incident inspires you to put a healthy dose of patience in your life. With the advent of technology and the seeming necessity for everything to be NOW NOW NOW, remember that patience is MORE than a virtue...your life could very well depend on it. 

Training for the Circus!

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages and KATIE HOXIIIIIEEEEEE!!! Growing up, I loved the circus, especially the beginning of the night when the spotlights would be circling all around the whole arena. I would excitedly scream my personal addition to the ringmaster's greeting, inserting my name in my loudest and most ringmaster-y voice, and clap in anxious anticipation of the sights and sounds of the all the animals, clowns, and awe-inspiring trapeze artists! Those times at the circus are some of my most fun and memorable childhood memories. Sometimes as I'm being introduced to get on the stage, I'm brought back to those days...only instead of my name being announced as only part of my wild imagination, now it's real, and they really are clapping for me...just like it had always played over in my head time and time again.

Walking around all of New York City and Weschester County the last few days as I pound the pavement to spread the word about my IndieGoGo campaign and my music, I had a few other childhood memories flash into my brain. As I was selling one of my CD's to a friendly cabbie by the name of Joe Johnson yesterday, my phone went off with email notifications that my childhood friend, Kristen Legge, had donated to my IndieGoGo campaign. I smiled as I read the notification and realized that she was taking time to invest in my dream on her birthday! I had called her earlier in the day to sing her happy birthday and thank her for all her support. Her thanks to me was an encouraging and thankful text message and a contribution to my latest project. 

I smiled again as I thought back on the day that Kristen had once served as my personal camera (wo)man taping my audition tape for Star Search when we were kids. Here we were so many years later and Kristen was still standing behind my dream, cheering me on, and playing an integral role in helping make my dream a reality. Kristen's been an amazing friend over the years despite the time and distance between us. She's more family than friend to be honest, a sister in the truest sense of the word, at least as far as my definition is concerned. 

Around probably the same time, while Kristen was helping me propel into stardom from a stool set up in my parents' dining room, I had also convinced some neighborhood kids that we should put our own circus together. As you can tell from what I've mentioned, I sure did love the circus! I had loosely put together the logistics and a business plan to put our circus act together. I remember walking around the neighborhood with my next door neighbor, Evann. We went door to door and and sold tickets to this amazing fantasy I had put together in my brain. How we were going to implement the the fantastical show I had put together was a thought for another day. 

I've always had BIG dreams. Every memory I have as a child, there was a stirring inside me. I grew up in East Greenwich, Rhode Island, one of the smallest towns in the smallest state in the country. I had always just kind of attributed my dreams of breaking out and making it big to growing up in a small town. But when I moved to  New York back when I graduated high school, it felt like I had met my match...finally a place that was as big as my dreams! After graduating from Iona College, I moved to Florida for what I thought would be a short-term temporary move. Though my time in Florida lasted longer than I anticipated, it was full of wonderful people and experiences, including an audition for American Idol that I never thought I wanted and a lesson from that experience that would serve me well long after the fact. But that's a story for another day, perhaps one day soon...but I digress.

As I walked around selling my CD's and promoting my music yesterday, I was grateful that I had all these great experiences from going to the circus to planning one...it all felt like training for every step I took yesterday and everyday that I relentlessly pursue my dream! Look out, the circus is definitely coming to a town near you soon! As I enter the final 31 hours of my campaign, "Grammy Bound With You," I feel a sense of gratitude for all the experiences and people that led me to be sitting here talking to you about my childhood dreams! Let it be a reminder of the magic of youthful wonder, the endless possibilities, the excitement instilled in our hearts from our dreams, and the importance of keeping your heart, ears, eyes, and mind open to all that life is waiting for you to unfold! 

If you're interested in making my childhood dream come true, please consider investing a few dollars to my project! www.indiegogo.com/grammybound

Grammy Bound With YOU!

14 days left to contribute to my campaign. As the days dwindle down, it's been harder and harder to keep my energy up. I've had several shows this month and it seems as though exhaustion has start to set in.
Whether you know it or not, I do this all alone. While I've had many people join me on this journey...and I'm eternally grateful for all your support and love...the day-in and day-out of my grind is solitary. I try to cram as much into 24 hours as humanly possible, take a nap, then do it all over again.
While I LOVE what I do, as an independent artist, I do it  all...well, independently. When you're at this level, you have no real money to pay people and it's hard to get a team behind you when you're not bringing them any real income...YET.
This part of the journey is hard...more than hard...it's exhausting and many times thankless. But in this part of the journey, it's what determines who's really in it to win it. And I'm in it for the long haul.
As I write to you today, I'm overdrawn on my bank account and used the money from my outdoor performance for Make Music New York to put a few more dollars of gas in my car so I can make it to my next show.
I just need you to know that although I maintain a positive spirit throughout all of this, I'm human. I cry almost everyday fighting through this struggle, persisting despite the odds, and knowing that my blessings are waiting for me on the other side of my tears, pain, and struggle. My faith allows me to believe that my efforts are not in vain. Though I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I work hard EVERYDAY to ensure I am hand-crafting my future.
The money you donate will not go towards putting gas in my car or putting a roof over my head. I do odd jobs, cell CD's, work Weight Watchers meetings, and do anything I can to bring in income to survive while relentlessly chasing my dream. The money you donate will go directly towards my dream...an INVESTMENT towards my future.
If you know me, you know I work hard. I give 110% to everything I do ESPECIALLY my music. I promise to give you a return on your investment...great music from the heart! Please help me make this happen. It means everything and I'll give everything it takes. Please consider becoming part of my living legacy by donating a few dollars to my dream and joining me on my journey all the way to the top.

Eleanor Roosevelt has been quoted as saying, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." I believe in the beauty of my dream. If you believe in it, too, please support my mission, my music...my destiny. Thank you, as always, for all your love, support, prayers, encouragement, and faith. It's my survival.

Artist Spotlight: H DIRT

If there's anything, I've learned in this journey, it's that we can do so much more together than we can on our own. I'd never have my music out on iTunes without the kindness and generosity of others believing in my dream. Accordingly, I'm working hard to help others with their dreams. It's time to pay it forward. That's what life is really all about. It's about learning how to move forward in a positive direction and then showing others how to do the same and helping them move in that direction.
In this spirit, I'd like to introduce you to someone who's graciously featured me and my music on his blog, "H Dirt." Take some time to check out his work. He's got his hand in several projects...reminds me of someone else I know. ;) Enjoy!

H dirt Biography: H dirt formerly known as Dirty Hari since the early 90's way before he spoke a tongue of English, has been a fan of Hip-Hop music. Coming home from school and tuning in to Ralph McDaniels' "Video Music Box". Hailing from borough of The Bronx, New York City. H grew fascinated of the Art Rap Music and its culture but never thought of persuing a rap career...

Then, Now, Still DoitYaSelf Vol.1

Mixed & Hosted by DJ TICAL

AVAILABLE NOW - DIRECT LINK > http://www.mediafire.com/doityaself

WATCH THE PROMO VIDEO! DIRECT LINK @ http://youtube/clPp3vGP1o4

MIXTAPE DESCRIPTON

New York recording artists Skylar "Points" Williams (Rapper) & Hari "H dirt" Espinosa (Rapper/Actor/Manager), who are a part of the hip-hop group M.P.H (Money, Power & Honor). Are bringing you their newest project to properly reintroduce themselves back into the rap game. Not just as artist or as a group, but also as an indie label. Devised partly from their own indie label, Do It Ya Self Entertainment titled: "Then, Now, Still DoitYaSelf Vol.1" MixTape.

Artist Appearances by Points, H dirt, Molly, Thural, Promise, Victor Dortch, Snugz, Anita Clay and battle rapper DNA. Production by Dj Tical, Victor Tortch and Joe Hernandez. 

Mixed & Hosted by South Germany's own Dj Tical. Appearances by Molly, Thural, Promise, Victor Dortch, Snugz, Anita Clay and battle rapper DNA. Music production by Dj Tical, Victor Tortch and Joe Hernandez

This MixTape also marks their first collaboration with a DJ. Mixed & Hosted by South Germany own DJ Tical (Rock The World Entertainment), The official Wu Tang DJ, Do It Ya Self Entertainment DJ and Vel a/k/a Mr. 7 Cities.

Dj Tical's WEB SITE: http://www.wix.com/thisisdjtical/portfolio

M.P.H The Saga Continues... A Short-Preview DocuFilm

THE 

OFFICIAL MOVIE TRAILER COMING SOON!

Inspired by the lives of Skylar Williams & Hari Espinosa. 

Narrative by Joyce Elwick. W

ritten & Directed by Hari Espinosa

ABOUT THE FILM:

This is the real life story of two long time friends (Skylar Williams known as Points & Hari Espinosa known as H dirt, formerly known as Dirty Hari), who shared similar goals and aspirations to follow a career in hip-hop music. This film takes place in rough streets of New The City - The Bronx, Underground Hip-Hop scene. Where they became locally known for their music. Since establishing the rap group (M.P.H), in the summer of 1999. But it was in 2005 when Points recruited big supporter Barbara Laureano, nickname Molly into M.P.H - That kicked things off for the inspiring rap group. In return making her an invaluable asset to their growth.

SYPNOSIS:

Music, Drama & Life became their struggles, yet their passion for success was undeniable and could not be ignored. M.P.H collectively were determined to become the next big act in hip-hop. Unfortunately differences in opinions, poor finances and personal rifts greatly affected the progress of the group.

A Film Written & Directed by first time director (Rapper/Actor) Hari Espinosa and edited by Victor Tortch. Co-Written by Darren Whitfield, Janice Smith and Joe Hernandez. Produced By Hari Espinosa & Joe Hernandez. Narrated by Actress/Singer/ Model Joyce Elwick

WATCH OUR PROMO VIDEOS: http://www.vimeo.com/mph

This film is presented by Do It Ya Self Entertainment

ALSO COMING SOON!

DJ TICAL & M.P.H: "WE WANT IN" EP

DoitYaSelf Vol.2 (MIXTAPE) Hosted & Mixed by Dj Tical

"We Run It" by Points - Produced by Joe Hernandez

AVAILABLE NOW FOR DOWNLOAD! LINK BELOW

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/we-run-it-single/id419265186 )))

PREVIEW THE ENTIRE TRACK ON POINTS' YOUTUBE CHANNEL

URL LINK > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpiS0CaOvAs&hd=1 )))

ALL OUR ORIGINAL SONGS: http://www.soundcloud.com/mph-1

BRIEF BIOS

Points Biography: Points "That Ni*** That Sh** Poppin' " A phrase which spawned a wave of infectious tunes in the New York Underground Hip-hop circuit in 2003, when releasing his first tangible project DEMO/MIXTAPE Vol. 1 & 2 From 149Th St., 3rd Ave in The Bronx and back to his old stomping ground on 111 St. 7Th Av in Harlem...

M.P.H Biography: (M.P.H) an acronym which has signified "Money, Power & Honor", for the New York Underground Hip-Hop group which is consisted of two original members " Pac-One now know as Points and neighborhood friend Dirty Hari now known as H dirt, then in 2005, Molly, appointed by Points as a big supporter and business partner. Established in the mid summer 1999...

INDIE LABEL

Do It Ya Self Entertainment LLC is an independent record company label based out of Bronx, New York. Specializing in urban underground / alternative music. Founded in 2004 by Artist/Actor/C.E.O. Hari "H dirt" Espinosa with partner Artist/Co-C.E.O. Skylar "Points" Williams for the main purpose of do it their selves when nobody thought it would be possible...

CONTACT MANAGER: Hari "H dirt" Espinosa - EMAIL: info@moneypowerhonor.com

M.P.H Blog: http://www.moneypowerhonor.com

TWITTERS: http://twitter.com/pointsnews

                     http://twitter.com/ElDirtyNews

                     http://twitter.com/DoitYaSelfPR

                     http://twitter.com/thisisdjtical

iDream

"Have you ever had a dream that was meant to be...then finally found your voice, which spoke your destiny? Well, I've dreamed and I woke. In this new voice I spoke. And once I finally heard my voice, it was time to make some noise!" These are the lyrics to the 3rd song, "Screaming to be Free" on my EP, "Light Shines Through Me," which, as of TODAY, can be purchased on iTunes!

"Screaming to be Free" was produced by GI Joe and has a music video directed by Rodolfo Duran of DoneRightDigital.com, which is just waiting in the wings to be released! Once KFHox (facebook.com/kfhox) reaches the 1,000 fan mark, the video will be briefly released online and then available for purchase on iTunes!

This has been a crazy, exhausting, at time confusing, and long journey, and it's only just begun! I thank God to have finally found my voice and to have transitioned from iDream to iTunes!!!

No Woman, No Cry

Cover of Etta James

In the span of a year, we've lost so many legends. For me, I feel like I keep losing parts of myself as I lost Amy Winehouse, George Harrison, and, today, the incomparable Etta James. But with these losses, I can't help but feel a growing responsibility to fill the voids these artists have left and create my own musical legacy.

My musical influences run a wide spectrum, ranging from classic rock and roll, motown, neo-soul, reggae, jazz, blues, gospel, new age, R&B, hip-hop, and basically everything in between. I've done my best to keep my ears and heart open to every musical genre. The beauty of music is that it's the only thing in our world that's truly universal. For about 3 minutes, it doesn't matter who you are, where you came from, what you've been through...we're all on the same page. It's the most magical moment of realization if you've ever been to a concert and look around at all the different kinds of people that all know the same words.

If you know me, you'll know that I do my best to put as much positive energy into the world as I can. I want to do the most amount of good with my time on earth as possible and I KNOW that music is my vehicle to do just that.

My last blog post was more somber than my usual posts, but when I woke up today and heard the news of Etta James passing, I was reminded of something that I had temporarily forgotten. I'm ALIVE! Seems simple, right? But honestly, just the fact that I'm alive to face another day means I've been given another opportunity to make this happen. Today, I began applying for a grant through BRIO to help create some new music. I'm looking under every rock until I find the resources to make this happen. I've also been applying for part-time positions to help sustain my livelihood while I do this. I had gotten really stuck on the notion that taking a part-time job doing anything, but singing, would de-rail my dream. I realize now the necessity of it in order to fulfill my dream. I've learned to let go of the resentment I feel towards surviving and replaced it with gratitude for the alternative skill sets that I have that will allow me to support myself and move forward full-force with my dream.

I recently recorded vocals to a track produced by Doue Carter entitled, "I Cry." I love the song, which I wrote in about 3 minutes after Doue sent me the track. It's one of those songs that just wrote itself. You can hear the undertones of Etta James' "I'd Rather Go Blind" on the track. In fact, I had to get that song out of my head in order to work out the melody line for the song. As I reflect on the life, legacy, and music of this beautiful woman, I thank God for the opportunity to work on my own new music.

Songs like "No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley have made me feel so much better on days like I've had lately. And though the title of my song would lead you to believe that it's a sad song, at its core, it's actually about tears of joy. It's about celebrating the fact that, as women, sometimes we cry because we're just so overjoyed by the love in our hearts. To give you an idea of what I mean, here's a taste of some of the lyrics, "I cry 'cause I love you, but you don't get it. You think I'm just being a girl. And I cry 'cause I'm happy. Just forget it. You're the biggest thing in my itty bitty world." So women, go ahead and cry! But once you're done crying, don't forget to smile and be grateful that we've been given another day to make it happen!

RIP Ms. Etta James

Meet Me at the Crossroads

I've been writing less and less in the last year as you may have noticed. Putting a band together, planning an EP release party, booking and promoting shows...all while living out of my car...have proven to be challenging and time consuming tasks. And while I'm honored, proud, and blessed that I was able to survive all of it and pull it off successfully, I find myself at a crossroads.

Yesterday was the hardest day I've had in a long time. I started my morning off by going to the Sunshine Bronx Incubator in the south Bronx, which offers affordable shared office space for start-ups. In the last year, I registered KFHox as a small business in the Bronx. My vision was for KFHox to become an umbrella company covering an array of services including writing, publishing, and consulting. My success within the realm of social media in the last two years has shown me what I'm capable of. I've also really enjoyed the networking aspect of things and putting like-minded people that need one another together. It seemed like a natural transition for me to move into some kind of consulting and managing since I need to make money to keep a roof over my head. The winter's gotten much too cold to continue life in my Jeep.

I gave my elevator pitch of KFHox to Sunshine and left feeling pretty confident that this was what I needed to do to in order to take the next steps. Life post-11.11.11 has consisted of many steps in various directions searching for the next step. Once I got out of my meeting, I returned a call I had gotten from one of my former piano players, Neffee. She invited me to come over for a bit and said that we needed to talk. Instantly, I was sick to my stomach. I had no idea what she wanted to talk about and I was already feeling a bit overwhelmed by the meeting I had just walked out of, but I went because I wanted to chat and I was anxious to find out what was so important.

When I got there, she was playing my EP, "Light Shines Through Me." And while one part of me was happy that she was listening to my music, another part of me knew there was another reason that she was listening to it. She made small talk for a bit and we caught up on a few things since we had last seen each other. And then she started to talk about what we needed to talk about. She told me that she loved me as a friend and that I had a ton of natural talent. But for as talented as I am, I'm not serious about my training and maintenance of my voice. I sat in silence as she broke down the last year of my life....all the promoting and branding and social networking. She said, "You're DOING IT. You're really doing it, Kathryn." But all of this came at the cost of leaving me little to no time to actually be an artist. And while this is something I've discussed with several people over the course of the last year, it sounded different coming from someone else, especially Neffee. It's true. Without a manager or any team to speak of, I'm left to do it all alone. We talked about exercises that I need to incorporate into my daily routine and other things I can do to get my voice where it needs to be, and as our conversation was coming to an end, my phone rang.

On the other end of the phone was Kathy, the woman who helped raise me during most of my childhood. Kathy's basically like my second mother. She's saved my life in every way that a person can be saved...physically, emotionally, mentally, and beyond. She had called to talk to me about "the next step." After just having finished getting some tough love from Neffee, I was now on the phone with Kathy who was continuing on the same path. She knew that I had gone to that meeting in the morning and was calling to tell me, "Your time is NOW." She discouraged me from starting the business venture and told me I needed to find a manager. Everything she said supported what Neffee told me, which was that I needed to focus on my music, on my instrument, and on getting my music made. Management is the only way that can happen.

Both of these conversations came just weeks after continuous conversations with the guy that I've started dating. Once a producer of music, himself, he's been encouraging me to make more music, to focus more on creating. But the challenge of this is finding the right person (people) to create with. I've realized in the last year that I'm not normal or typical. While others focus on how they're going to pay their rent and go on vacations, I'm focused on how I can get people to listen to my music, how I can make more music, and how I can find others that want to make music with me. Music is more than a hobby to me...it's like breathing. Without it, I surely won't survive. I've realized that despite the fact that I hold two Masters degrees and plenty of professional experience, I will never live a fulfilling life without music in it on a full-time basis.

Today, I'm at a crossroads. I need to make money so that I can sustain my livelihood, but I refuse to do anything, but music. Something's gotta give.

Birthdays, Bathrooms & Brows...

So here I sit in the lovely Disney’s Beach Club Villas Resort…no, I’m not a guest…just passing through, as it would be, to meet an old friend from acting, Jenn, who’s now a cast member at Disney. It’s a beautiful night…maybe in the high 60’s or 70’s and the only commotion is the pitter patter of little feet walking by and excited voices of children as they embark on their next Disney adventure.

I smiled as I drove in earlier, coming under the gates that read: “Welcome to Disney World: Where Dreams Come True.” It felt like a gentle nudge, as I drove underneath, to continue on my path. It’s amazing the signs of wonder that you get to be witness to if only your ears, eyes, and heart are open to receiving them.

I parked my car and got my bags together to go on a little adventure before I met Jen out for dinner. I walked out to the boardwalk and recognized it as I thought I might. Back during my time living in Florida, I had sang at a friend’s wedding over here. I sang “When I Fall in Love” as Amanda walked down the aisle at the happiest place on earth. That was the second wedding I ever sang, second only to my own sister’s wedding, and I didn’t realize the next time I came back here that I would be on the path of pursuing my dreams on a full-time basis. But I’m so thankful to be back here filled to the brim with dreams in my heart.

                                                                           

When I first made my way to the boardwalk, I made a pit stop in the restroom. In the stall next to me, a mother and a young daughter were going back and forth about something or another. I didn’t catch exactly what they were talking about until I heard the mother say something about the fact that she was really irritated with Disney. I listened closer to hear more about what her complaints were. She said that her daughter had never heard the word “hate” until she watched the movie, “Finding Nemo.” She went on and on about how she would have to watch every Disney movie three times forwards and backwards to ensure that didn’t happen again. I couldn’t help but sigh and realize the truth of the matter. That’s not realistic…no matter how you look at it. The mother can’t spend her whole life censoring every Disney movie to ensure they say everything right all the time. She’ll miss most of her daughter’s childhood obsessing over one word here or another there. And even if she spent the time to do that, her daughter would eventually leave the house at some point and here all the words she wants to shield her from…and then what?

While Disney presents a utopian-like atmosphere with all the things your heart and mind can imagine, once you go back under that Disney gate and enter Orlando, there’s no escaping the reality of our world. And though no one ever ensured that I didn’t hear the word “hate” growing up, I thank God that I was able to discern the fact that hate was a bad word. I’m fairly sure that woman’s daughter will be able to distinguish the same without missing out on any Disney movies.

It reminds me of a conversation that I had earlier today. I was actually just going to blog about that conversation originally, but after a short time here, I realized I had more to talk about than I had initially thought. I went to go get my eyebrows waxed by a woman who used to do them when I lived here. She’s currently working out of a different salon and is now self-employed. She’s unhappy as a business woman as she considers herself, rightfully so (especially if you saw what she did with my eyebrows…shameless plug: Helena Morton: Primp Salon, 1411 Trovillion Ave., Winter Park, FL), an artist. We discussed the pros and cons, mainly cons in her case, of being a business owner and all the responsibilities that one takes on when you go from being an employee to an employer. For me, I’m too much of a free spirit to have a boss anymore. I used to think I just had a problem with authority, but I realized it was much deeper than that, and far less angry. I’m simply too creative and have too many ideas to be constrained to the confines set forth by a manager or anyone who may have some kind of control over my work obligations. I have a relentless work ethic and I find it exhausting to try and place a value on that work ethic. Accordingly, it makes more sense to me to work for myself and, for the most part, by myself. I’ve seen the latest fruits of that labor at my EP Release Party, which was responsible for hosting about fifteen local artists and ten sponsors, all of whom I single-handedly coordinated.

Helena, on the other hand, has no problem being an employee. She wants to do what she does and not have to deal with all the extra obligations that come along with running the business (i.e. ordering supplies and keeping track of the numbers). While I am a free spirit and I like doing things myself, I can totally relate to this aspect of the dilemma, as well. While I was proud of all the work that I put into getting everything organized and prepared for 11.11.11, it left me little to no time to be an actual artist….no time for writing new material, barely any time to rehearse, and definitely no social time to relax and be inspired by life, which is where so much of my inspiration comes from. Yes, I can certainly empathize with Helena and I understand fully that it would just be easier to be an artist. Fortunately, Helena’s moving in that very direction now and should be back to doing strictly what she loves, alongside her adorable and loveable puppy, Lucky. As for me, I’m still doing it all. I’ve officially set the wheels in motion to complete a full-length album by my birthday this June.

What does any of that have to do with where we began? Well, we all have our own dreams and aspirations. For that mother, her dream is to provide her daughter with a life as perfect as she can create despite the world’s reality. For me, my dream is to become a global recording artist so that all the world may hear what it would be my honor and blessing to share. And for Helena, her dream is to help others feel and look even more beautiful by doing what she loves. 

Today, December 5^th, would have been Walt Disney’s birthday. I no longer believe in coincidences. I thank God to be fortunate enough to have made a stop at the happiest place on earth where dreams come true on the very day that the man who believed in dreams so much was born. I’ll leave you with this quote in honor and memory of this special man. “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” – Walt Disney 

Living, loving, & leaving legacies

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Legacies. It's a topic of conversation that I find myself having more frequently these days. I've always found the importance of others' legacies, but never truly considered the impact on my own. I've been stuck in Rhode Island for a few extra days waiting for a replacement light for my truck. I guess we'll start with how that happened since I've got some time to write...for the first time in a long time.

A couple weeks ago, I was parking my car and backed into a tree, which broke the entire light off my truck.  My depth perception's been way off lately due to pure exhaustion. Living in a neighborhood where I came home to gun shots ringing through the air on a regular basis led me to putting all of my belongings in a storage unit lent to me by a friend from church. I've been crashing on friends' couches and trying to figure out my next step for a couple weeks. Having just taken a new job, I'm not in a financial position to move anywhere and the man who rented me the room will not give me my deposit back. This trip to Rhode Island couldn't have come at a better time. I was at my breaking point and I needed to get some perspective...and rest.

This trip was pre-destined as I had a family reunion to attend here. I had pushed really hard for us to re-unite this year. My Aunt Peggy used to do a lot of the organization for it, but since she and my uncle passed, we hadn't been as organized at putting it together. This past Easter, I talked to one of my cousins about planning our reunion and offered whatever help I could in getting it back as an annual event. I got a text from her shortly after and I guess my response, as brief as it was, was enough to inspire an email and getting the wheels in motion to reserve a spot at Goddard Park, where we always had them in the past. I followed her lead and created a Facebook invitation to reach out to other members of the family that may not have received the email. We were on our way to continue the legacy, which began with her mother.

Just as I felt like I might go insane from worrying about where I was going to sleep and how  I was going to make my life work in New York, it was time to come home to my family reunion...which I was late for. My cousin and I joked when I arrived about me being late since I was the one who had pushed so hard for it to happen. Man, it felt good to laugh. It also felt amazing to be surrounded by my family, who have been watching my journey on Facebook and I realized how tremendously supportive they are and how much they believe in me. I couldn't bare to tell them the truth about what was going on back with my living situation.

I told one of my cousins, the one whom I've confided in before. And the only reason I really told her was so that I could ask for her to pray for me. I'm not holding my hand out to anyone to beg for help or look for an easy way out. Nothing worth having or doing is ever easy. I accept that truth and I embrace the challenges I have faced and continue to face. They have built me to be the strong young woman I am proud to be today. It's part of my legacy.

While I was home, I stayed with my brother (though not a brother by blood, he's as much my family as any one of my blood relatives). My first night there, I played music with him in his jam room. It felt good to get on the drums and bang out some of my confusion, frustration, and exhaustion....so good that I passed out in his jam room. I woke up at 6 a.m. alone in the jam room and walked to my car so I could get a decent kind of rest in a bed at his house. As I walked out, I realized my car had been hit. I was too tired to really react to it. Reacting to it changed nothing anyway.

I went to his house and got some rest. When I woke up, I told him what happened. Without a second thought, he responded with, "Oh, that was me." I had to laugh. I was so grateful that he was the one who had done it because I wouldn't be mad at him and at least I had someone to blame if I really wanted to. he offered to put it through his insurance, but I shrugged it off and told him I had more important things to deal with than my bumper. If nothing else, my life's trials and tribulations have taught me perspective...something I'm grateful to add to my legacy.

I went to my parents' house and showed my father my light. Upon inspection, it was decided I needed to replace the entire light encasement. I had been pulled over 2 days in a row prior to arriving in RI and I couldn't return with the light the way it was. I had already gotten a ticket for the tint on my front windows the first time I was pulled over. My father and I peeled the tint off my window and he ordered me a new light through a local salvage yard. And he told me he would pay for the light. If you know anything about my father, he's not one to volunteer to pay for anything. One of his most common sayings growing up was, "If you girls didn't have your mother, you'd get NOTHING from me." Sounds harsh, but if you knew my dad, you'd just laugh when you heard him say it.

My dad's a good man with a heart of gold, a cancer survivor, who gave most of his life to the telephone company. He worked tirelessly as we were growing up, taking any overtime he could. Having three daughters wasn't cheap and my mother's mental illness took a toll on family's finances for the better part of my life. He was always trying to catch up and/ or stay afloat. That is part of his legacy.

My mother got involved with ordering the light, too. She made sure I wrote down my VIN number and all the info about my truck so they'd have it ready when they ordered it. My mother is a remarkable woman, so quiet now and slow with her motions. She's endured more than most 10 people off the street. She's suffered from manic-depression my entire life, in and out of mental hospitals for most of my childhood. She's survived breast cancer after a misdiagnosis and been diagnosed with diverticulitis and colitis. Last year she had a hip replacement, whose surgery spiraled a manic episode  and then got re-admitted after finally making her way to rehab because her wound opened. My mother seems to be a walking study of Murphy's Law....but she has survived it all. She may not be the loud and boisterous woman she was once known for, but I thank God she's alive.

This morning I went to visit my Gram, my grandmother on my father's side and my only living grandparent.  I do my best to pay her a visit every time I'm home. At 90 years old, she looks and sounds amazing. I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to play her my music. She may never see the day (if) I walk down an aisle or have any children, but I'm so grateful to God that she's alive to hear the music I've given birth to and to watch my boldly follow my dreams. We sat and talked about my grandfather, an amazing artist, my  great uncle, whom I've never had the pleasure of meeting, and the Hoxie's, my uncle's family, in California. My Pa, as I affectionately called my grandfather, was left an orphan, but spent much of his life tracing his lineage despite being abandoned by his father. My grandfather understood the importance of legacy and certainly left an impressionable one as a loving husband, a caring grandfather, a cheerful neighbor, a talented artist, and so much more.

I left the nursing home once I walked my grandmother down to lunch. She's always so proud to introduce her granddaughter from NEW YORK! I love the pride she has as she introduces me to her friends and I'm glad I didn't mention not having a place to live during our visit. Before I left, I told her I'd have a music video to show her the next time I came to visit, kissed her goodbye, and choked back tears until I reached the front door.

From there, I drove to the memorial plot of my friend, Tim Lyons. If you're not familiar with who Tim is, you can read more about his life and legacy in one of my past blogs (Forever Young). Tim's life was tragically cut short by a drunk driver when were in 8th grade. During this trip home, I also visited our junior high to talk to the principal about replacing the tree that had been planted in his memory the year it happened. The junior high went under major renovations last year and Tim's tree was ripped up as a result. I'm working hard to ensure that Tim's legacy lives on and I have a few friends working to ensure this happens.

Just as I got in my car from visiting Tim's memorial, I got on my Blackberry and posted a picture of the plaque that still stands in the place where he was struck. As I scrolled down my news feed, I saw a post from my college roommate, one of my very best friends. Her grandmother had just passed away, only 1 year from when her father, a firefighter and first responder for 9/11 had passed away(See Sun Showers, another past blog, to learn more about her father's legacy). Tears streamed down my face as I realized the year she had faced. I was glad that her grandmother was alive to see her get engaged, but saddened at the notion that both her father and grandmother would be absent from the wedding. And again, I was reminded to put my life into perspective.

As the clock ticks, I'm trying to patiently wait for the phone call saying that my light is ready to pick up so that I can get on the road and back to New York. I have to get back to make it to band rehearsal and face my reality...a reality that is so daunting sometimes that I barely know where to begin. But I'm strong and I will persevere through all of it. I can't wait to overcome all of these challenges and continue to pursue my dream. I will keep on keepin' on. And I will write to tell you of my triumph over all of this. And that is my legacy.

If You Never Ask, the Answer's Always No

Image by Moisturizing Tranquilizers via Flickr

5:41 a.m. That's what time my phone rang yesterday. But I was already up. Excitement wouldn't let me sleep the night before. I guess Brey, my producer, must've felt the same...since he was the one on the other end of the phone yelling. "You up, HoxieCotton?!" "We're not going to Cali...leaving Kennedy onto LAX....but I'm up." That was the beginning of my very busy, very AMAZING day yesterday.

Just checking in with everyone to say hello and share some of the excitement that's been going on lately. I barely know where to begin. I guess the best way to explain why things have been so busy lately is to SHOW you. Head over to kickstarter.com/projects/kfhox to get all the latest updates from my very first EP!

My first order of business yesterday started in the studio with Brey King (Sound Check Live) and T-ron Lewis (Invaderz). We're finishing up the vocals and final revisions on the first track of my first EP, "Back with You." It has been an absolute labor of love and I'm so excited to be able to share it very, very soon! Track 2 has already started and is almost completely written. Looking forward to sharing what I've been working on!

Once we finished up in the city, Brey and I headed into the city for a meeting with an amazing producer. Since the details are still being worked out, I'll save that story for the future. Just be ready for greatness! I am so incredibly overwhelmed and humbled by all of the people that have opened up their hearts to me!

Our meeting ran late and I had to be in New Rochelle by 5 p.m....with cheesecake...that I was supposed to have made! Yikes! After an hour in rush hour traffic, I was already 45 minutes late for a musical/ spiritual dinner and discussion with Vlada (vladamusic.com). So a stop to Mobil-on-the-Run would have to suffice...Entemann's anyone? Although my visit was brief, it was just what I needed to rejuvenate and refresh before heading off to the next part of my night. I hadn't even eaten yet so this was my reminder to slow down! The ever amazing, talented, blessed, and highly favored Vlada gathered everyone to pray for me before I got back on the road. The power of prayer has been something that has nourished and sustained me through this busy and tumultuous journey!

The final part of my night was spent with some of the most talented and amazing people I've had the privilege of meeting at Hip Hop Saves Lives 1 Year Anniversary (hiphopsaveslives.org), run by CEO Chad Harper and co-hosted by Brey King. The night showcased great musicians, singers, and poets. It was a beautiful night with great people for a great cause!

I was excited to discuss my project with the other artists, promoters, and others that were in attendance. It's so incredible to be a part of everything that's going on! This has been such a beautiful journey and I'm so glad that I finally took the time to ask for help to make this dream a reality! I am living proof that if you want help, all you need to do is ASK for it! If you never ask, the answer's always no. What will you ask of others today? Challenge yourself and others to do something you didn't think was possible...you'll be pleasantly surprised at the responses you get...and you just might realize that the impossible is possible!

I'll Sleep...when I'm dead

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If you can't tell by the title...I'm tired! This has been an incredibly hectic and busy week. I was fortunate enough to be cast to appear on Law & Order: SVU, a commercial for Mega Card (it's actually a Russian commercial), Running Wilde, and HBO's new feature film, Too Big to Fail, which is all about the financial collapse of 2008.

Aside from being tired though...I am so grateful and realize how blessed I truly am. Many of you who follow the blog are also personal friends...and Facebook friends, which means you've been updated pretty regularly about my latest adventures within the film/ television world. All of my latest adventures have included tremendously early mornings, endless subway commutes, long hours, lots of waiting....and I wouldn't change a thing! I am loving this new chapter in my life. I've met so many fantastic people and been a part of some wonderful productions. It makes me wonder why I waited so long to begin this journey. But even a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...I'm so glad I finally took that step.

I have a relatively late call time tomorrow morning so I figured I would take an opportunity to reflect on what an amazing week this has been, express my gratitude to all of you who continue to show your love and support, and just relax. I hope that my small success story so far can help inspire you in whatever your aspire to be and do. Take that first step! LIVE while you're alive...you'll have plenty of time to sleep when you're dead.

Grabbing the World by the.....

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I missed you! No, seriously...I really missed you! I've been so busy lately that the blog has gone to the wayside. It's been on my mind, but I've been entirely too busy and/ or tired to write anything...and there's certainly been plenty to write about with all the things going on lately. It goes without saying that I have been seriously blessed in the last month or so...things have just been falling into place.

After spending an entire year helping others and being the person that other people have needed me to be, I can honestly say that I'm living for ME for the first time since I can really remember. All of my auditions and submissions have really paid off because I'm actually DOING what I set out to do. I've been booked for small acting gigs (i.e. short films, television episodes, etc.) and a music video. I am having the time of my life...I really couldn't be happier.

I can honestly say that I am a living testament to the fact that you can live your dreams...you can do whatever it is that you set out to do...and it's never too late to start. I've also learned that there is no such thing as "trying" to do something...you either do it and it works or you do it and it doesn't....but thinking about doing something does not constitute trying. For a long time, I was convinced that if I thought about something long enough that perhaps I could think it into existence. I know how ridiculous that sounds even as I write it, but I'm just being honest. And I'm sure I'm not alone in this thinking.

I have had a constant force in my life who has believed in me more than I believed in myself many times. She has been my guardian angel here on earth, my rock, my second mother, my best friend, and anything I needed her to be at any given moment. It was with such delight that I emailed her and sent her texts about my latest projects. And this blog post is inspired by and dedicated to her...I know I usually keep my blogs (and most of everything I do) relatively PG, but I have to end this blog with the quote that she has instilled me over and over again...even though it's a little vulgar, I can't think of any better way of putting it. I am finally "grabbing the world by the balls"....I highly suggest it!