Meet Me at the Crossroads

I've been writing less and less in the last year as you may have noticed. Putting a band together, planning an EP release party, booking and promoting shows...all while living out of my car...have proven to be challenging and time consuming tasks. And while I'm honored, proud, and blessed that I was able to survive all of it and pull it off successfully, I find myself at a crossroads.

Yesterday was the hardest day I've had in a long time. I started my morning off by going to the Sunshine Bronx Incubator in the south Bronx, which offers affordable shared office space for start-ups. In the last year, I registered KFHox as a small business in the Bronx. My vision was for KFHox to become an umbrella company covering an array of services including writing, publishing, and consulting. My success within the realm of social media in the last two years has shown me what I'm capable of. I've also really enjoyed the networking aspect of things and putting like-minded people that need one another together. It seemed like a natural transition for me to move into some kind of consulting and managing since I need to make money to keep a roof over my head. The winter's gotten much too cold to continue life in my Jeep.

I gave my elevator pitch of KFHox to Sunshine and left feeling pretty confident that this was what I needed to do to in order to take the next steps. Life post-11.11.11 has consisted of many steps in various directions searching for the next step. Once I got out of my meeting, I returned a call I had gotten from one of my former piano players, Neffee. She invited me to come over for a bit and said that we needed to talk. Instantly, I was sick to my stomach. I had no idea what she wanted to talk about and I was already feeling a bit overwhelmed by the meeting I had just walked out of, but I went because I wanted to chat and I was anxious to find out what was so important.

When I got there, she was playing my EP, "Light Shines Through Me." And while one part of me was happy that she was listening to my music, another part of me knew there was another reason that she was listening to it. She made small talk for a bit and we caught up on a few things since we had last seen each other. And then she started to talk about what we needed to talk about. She told me that she loved me as a friend and that I had a ton of natural talent. But for as talented as I am, I'm not serious about my training and maintenance of my voice. I sat in silence as she broke down the last year of my life....all the promoting and branding and social networking. She said, "You're DOING IT. You're really doing it, Kathryn." But all of this came at the cost of leaving me little to no time to actually be an artist. And while this is something I've discussed with several people over the course of the last year, it sounded different coming from someone else, especially Neffee. It's true. Without a manager or any team to speak of, I'm left to do it all alone. We talked about exercises that I need to incorporate into my daily routine and other things I can do to get my voice where it needs to be, and as our conversation was coming to an end, my phone rang.

On the other end of the phone was Kathy, the woman who helped raise me during most of my childhood. Kathy's basically like my second mother. She's saved my life in every way that a person can be saved...physically, emotionally, mentally, and beyond. She had called to talk to me about "the next step." After just having finished getting some tough love from Neffee, I was now on the phone with Kathy who was continuing on the same path. She knew that I had gone to that meeting in the morning and was calling to tell me, "Your time is NOW." She discouraged me from starting the business venture and told me I needed to find a manager. Everything she said supported what Neffee told me, which was that I needed to focus on my music, on my instrument, and on getting my music made. Management is the only way that can happen.

Both of these conversations came just weeks after continuous conversations with the guy that I've started dating. Once a producer of music, himself, he's been encouraging me to make more music, to focus more on creating. But the challenge of this is finding the right person (people) to create with. I've realized in the last year that I'm not normal or typical. While others focus on how they're going to pay their rent and go on vacations, I'm focused on how I can get people to listen to my music, how I can make more music, and how I can find others that want to make music with me. Music is more than a hobby to me...it's like breathing. Without it, I surely won't survive. I've realized that despite the fact that I hold two Masters degrees and plenty of professional experience, I will never live a fulfilling life without music in it on a full-time basis.

Today, I'm at a crossroads. I need to make money so that I can sustain my livelihood, but I refuse to do anything, but music. Something's gotta give.

Cuz I Gotta Have Faith

Image via Wikipedia

Well, well, well...it's been much too long, but I'm back! It's been a blessing to be as busy as I've been, but I need to make more time to dedicate to my writing...since it's my connection with YOU...besides my music. I attended a mixer for Bronx Small Business & Entrepreneurs last night and the discussion of bloggers reminded me that I couldn't remember the last time I blogged! Shame on me! Not that I haven't been writing...I've just been writing lyrics for the last couple months. The fruits of that labor are sure to unfold very soon and I can't wait to share them with you, too!

If you know even a smidge about me, you'll know that the reason I haven't had time to write lately is because I've been working tirelessly on my project, the first EP I've ever recorded. As time goes on, the EP continues to take on new a life...birthed by additional musicians joining me on the first track, "Back With You," and as a result of me stepping further into the role of producer with the 3 tracks that I'm working on.

In addition to the music that I'm currently working on, I've decided I need to do more. I have so much to share and it's virtually impossible to share everything I want to within 3-5 songs. Accordingly, I've started a new project through Kickstarter, whose aim is to secure the funding for a full-length album as well as the music video for "Back With You."

Aside from all of this, I'm in a very transitional place. Having sold all of my furniture and subletting an apartment, I'm surrounding myself with only the basics (and shoes, lot of shoes!). I have until August 15th to figure out the next step. By the grace of God, my rent is paid up until then and I'm just trying to figure out the next step.

Throughout all of this, I've not spent more than a moment worrying about what the next step is...well, maybe a moment or two. On Wednesday, June 22, 2011, I stopped by to speak to Pastor Mcdonald, someone who has undeniably been placed in my life at this moment for a very real reason. He had requested that I stop by, but hadn't given me a particular reason or anything to reflect upon before I got there. However, when I stopped by that day, my heart was heavy.

I went to meet him with these things in my heart and he began to speak. Before I had an opportunity to really share what was in my heart, God had found a way for him to speak the words I needed to hear. Not only did he reassure me that everything would work itself out (which it did and continues to do), but he proclaimed that I would be a household name and that I would serve a role to the children and women I'm so moved to inspire. Pastor Mcdonald likened me to Esther, a Jewish orphan who later became queen of Persia and the heroine of Purim. He told me to mark this day as he prophesied what my future would hold...and that's what this blog will serve to do.

A chance encounter with a homeless woman named Mary Beth the day before weighed so heavily on my heart prior to walking in to speak with him. I realized I could only give her love and compassion if she let me. But she would only allow me to do that for a limited amount of time. I encouraged her to love herself as much as I did and as much as God did. I could see in her eyes, she wanted to feel that way. She had lost her daughter and her boyfriend and she was truly lost. But somehow, a glimmer in her eye showed me that she's on the path to finding herself once again. Though she may not be ready yet, she is on her way. I gave her my business card and I pray that, when the time is right, she'll reach back out to me. She'll stay in my thoughts and prayers until that day. I know that I can be a voice and give a voice to the poor and oppressed. I cried as we hugged one another and May Beth asked why I was crying. I explained that I cried because I understand. I truly know the pain that she feels....aside from compassion, I have empathy. But even if you don't know what it's like to be in someone's shoes...try. You'll never know the difference you can make in someone's life just by taking the time to try to understand.

We've recently added "Faith" by George Michael to our latest set and it couldn't come at a more appropriate time. I've reached a place in my life that every step I take is focused on my faith. And with that faith, I have overcome getting my apartment broken into, my phone stolen, my finances falling short, and all the other bumps in the road that, at one point in my life, would've devastated me and knocked me down completely. Today, I stand by faith. Everyday I am reaffirmed in the fact that I have nothing to fear as long as I am faithful. I pray that you can find the same solace and serenity in your heart and mind....with faith.