Single by Choice...or just lack of choices

Image by Terwilliger911 via Flickr

29...and single. Some days, this is the greatest feeling in the world. I don't feel like I squandered my "good" years being bogged down in a relationship (disclaimer: no judgment on others who found love during this time in their life- lucky you!). Other days...particularly lately...I'm feeling a little of the pressure that comes along with being almost 30 and being nowhere near a stable relationship or a family. On any given day, I usually feel like my "singledom" is a matter of choice. After all, I won't lie...I do have options when it comes to people wanting to date me. I feel a little odd coming clean about that, but I'm sure you know by now, I'm not one to bite my tongue when it comes to being honest about my life. 

The problem is not that there aren't people interested in me...the real problem is that the feeling just isn't reciprocal. I wish that I was interested, but it's just not there. Don't get me wrong, so many people have PARTS of the kind of person I'm looking for, but seem to lack the full package kind of details. And I know what you're thinking...you're too picky- no wonder you're still single. Well, tell me this...what PARTS am I supposed to be willing to compromise on? I mean really. Some things are super obvious and just too major to overlook. And some things are just against my own personal set of standards. For instance, it's not that I mind that a guy has children or has been married...but for me, I want to be someone's first. I want to be the first (and only) mother of their child(ren)...I want to be the first woman he watch walk down the aisle towards him, ya know? Is that asking so much? Well, the closer to 30 I get, it seems like it just might be. 

Another point of contention (don't judge me) are the car-less. In NYC, I get that having a car is an inconvenience depending on where you live. But a guy not having a car makes me feel like a chauffeur. And maybe picking a guy up wouldn't make me feel like SUCH a chauffeur if maybe they threw me a 5 spot for gas or something. Sure, I'm a woman of the millennium, but there's a recession going on. C'mon! And what happened to chivalry? 

Ok, I think I'm done now. I just felt like I needed to clarify WHY I'm single...since that seems to be the first question when I tell someone that I am...like there's something wrong with being single. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single...when it's by choice....and even when it's not. But recently someone told me that I was single by choice and it made me realize it's less of a choice lately than just lack of the kind of choices I'm looking for. 

Standard Text Message Rates Apply

Image by pamhule via Flickr

When relationships end, things can go in so many different directions. Many times, there is some period of absolute silence between you and your ex.....strange to think that someone you spent everyday talking to, you now never speak a word. I've almost always been the kind of person who's been able to maintain some level of friendship with exes...which has not always served me well, but that's a story for another time.

Yesterday, the guy I had been dating came over to pick up his belongings. He would've done it sooner, but I haven't been around. We haven't had a legitimate conversation in a long time...last night was no exception. He sent me a text to let me know he was outside...he couldn't be bothered to call me. I sent him one back to tell him to come get his stuff because it was too heavy to carry. He sent a one letter text back, "K."

I answered the door and we didn't even make eye contact. He had his face in his phone and was busy sending more than a one letter text to someone else. I could feel my heart drop to my stomach as I pointed to the box of his belongings. He picked up the box and asked for a pair of glasses he had left in my car. It was the longest conversation we've had in ages....it was two sentences.

As I handed him his glasses, still avoiding eye contact, it seemed as if everything went silent. I walked away hearing only my heart beat so heavily I thought he could probably hear it, too. I choked back the tears that he didn't deserve anyway. I think the tears had less to do with him than they did with the realization that I was worse off than when I started with him. I've been single for almost 3 years...in that time, I've done a lot of dating, soul searching, and rebuilding. In such a short amount of time of dating him, I feel like he made me second-guess 3 years of becoming the person I am today...like I was somehow not worthy of the love he promised...the kind of love I had waited 3 years to find. I found myself back at square one...only even more skeptical that I'll ever find that kind of love.

I know that time will heal my wounds...it honestly already has. And I'm thankful that our relationship was so short-lived. It was as if everything happened in fast-forward so I wouldn't waste too much time. I try to take a lesson out of every single thing that happens in my life...I guess the lesson in this situation is to not let a guy leave crap at your house. Ok, so I might still be trying to learn the lesson from this one...but I'm at least grateful to have an unlimited text message plan. Otherwise, those one word texts would just add insult to injury.